Saturday, February 11, 2006

Blizzard Warning!

Am I suicidal? I did the very thing I told you not to do. I walked into a grocery store the day of the blizzard. Holy mother of supermarket chaos! I couldn’t believe the mobs of crowds circling the canned goods like a bunch of wild vultures. I can hear their caws from aisle fifteen. Clank! Clank! Clank! Clank! Cans and cans of food tossed into tons of shopping carts. Bottled water? Ah---forgetaboudit’!!! Gone. No water left.

I’m making dinner for Madelene tonight, so I wanted to pick up a few things I needed. I didn’t go because I thought the blizzard would bury me in for a year---I went in like I usually do. People were bumping into each other with their carts like bumper cars. One lady sideswiped me with her shoulder. It still hurts. I went over to the produce to buy some avocados, and this lady next to me takes an orange from the bottom of the pile. Can you guess what happened next? Yep---all fell down. She left me at the scene of the crime. People looked at me like I did it.

Get a life folks! Make sure you batten down the hatches too! Just love freaking out people when they’re desperate to get food for the winter. A bunch of squirrels desperate for a nut. Needless to say—all of them were nuts. Get out of my face you paranoid freak! I thought I was the one with anxiety disorder, but apparently, the entire city of New York is having the same issue here. I hope they have a better therapist than I do. I’m not going to pee my pants over this crazy madness everyone’s putting themselves through. Just stay out of my way.

I walk over to the check out line that must have been a mile long. People had carts filled up to the fricken ceiling! What is wrong with you people? I sat there holding my little blue basket full of goodies. After waiting approximately one hour to get to the dippy cashier who was chewing her gum so loud--I was about to scream! She must have had a mouthful of saliva, because the sounds that were coming out of her mouth were obscene. I was nauseated by this girl.

I place my goodies on the conveyer belt. This lady in front of me slams down that little divider as though she didn’t want me taking any of her food. Easy tiger! I’m not interested in your kielbasa, five packages of bacon, twenty pounds of butter, and a army supply of chopped meat. If standing on this God awful line isn’t enough to give you a heart attack-----stealing your food certainly will do the trick. Bon apetit you slob!

Don’t get me started, because it doesn’t end there. It’s now my turn to get up to the cashier.

“Price Plus card?”
“No.”

Blip…Blip…Blip… The cashier is swiping through all my items. She gets to the package of turkey I got from the deli section. She swipes it. Nothing. She swipes it again. Nothing. Again. Nothing. She stares at the turkey long enough for me to say, “Is there a problem?”

“It’s not registering.”
“You’ll probably have to type in the sku numbers manually. Just making a wild assumption here.”
“But it’s from the deli section.”
“So?”

She picks up the phone and calls for the manager on the loud speaker for the entire store to hear. The manager was two lanes down. What the? Whatever.

“It won’t go through.” The cashier whines.
“Just type in the number manually.” The manager said.

The cashier shot me a look that said a few choice words. Her typing skills had a lot to be desired. Copy the damn numbers in and let me get out of here already!!! I was getting fumed because now she was taking her sweet time just to annoy me. The line started getting longer, and people now looked at ‘me’ as if I were the bad guy here! I hear people sighing and moaning and plopping things down hard on the conveyer belt all annoyed. Get a grip here folks---it’s her---it’s not me.

“Cash or credit?”
“Credit.”
“Umm, okay…just swipe it through for me please.”

Swipe.

“Do it again.”

Swipe.

“Do it again please.”

Swipe.

“Management, please come to lane nine please! Management, please come to lane nine please!”

After twenty minutes of dealing with this ditzy cashier, she gave me a receipt that was a mile long. I only bought ten items. What gives? She made so many errors, that it reflected on the receipt. I double checked to make sure she charged me for the right thing—and made sure she didn’t ‘blip’ my turkey ten times more than she should have. After that whole fiasco, I had to laugh.

If you’re going out to the grocery store today—God bless you! Just wait until you see the parking lot.