Thursday, December 21, 2006

Waters to Swim...

Have you heard about the frog that was born at the bottom of the well? He thought life couldn’t get any better till one day he looked up and saw daylight. Climbing up to investigate, he was amazed to find a much larger pond than the one he lived in. And going further afield he discovered a lake that was bigger again. When eventually he came to the ocean and all he could see was water, it dawned on him just how limited his thinking had been. He thought everything he needed was down in the well, but that was a drop in the bucket compared to the things that were out there for him to enjoy.

Maybe you’re living today in your own little “well,” reluctant to leave your comfort zone, settling for limited and safe existence while God has rivers “deep enough to swim in.” Wouldn’t you like to step out in faith, experience new depths in Him and go where you’ve never been before? Remember, the enemy will do everything he can do to keep you focused on your background, your lack of formal education, your appearance and your limited resources. But Bruce Wilkinson says, “It doesn’t matter whether you’re short of money, people, energy or time. What God invites you to do will always be greater than the resources you start with.” You don’t have to let fear limit your vision when God is your source, because His supply is unlimited! One idea from him, just one, can change your life and the lives of others. He’s got great things in store for you today – so start thinking outside the box! ~The Word For You Today

Lately I’ve been starting to feel “limited” myself. Discouraging thoughts such as, lack of education, low self-confidence, anxiety disorder which prevents me from venturing out to new places and fear of failure has me in my own “well” too. I’ve been through numerous office and accounting jobs to customer service and bartending positions. I must say I enjoyed the jobs that interacted with people. Other jobs such as accounting and office work made me feel isolated from the world. I was bored. Writing has brought me to a different level in my life. I’ve met many other writers who taught me many things, and readers who had me looking at life in a different perspective. I learned a lot about the writing business, publishing houses and the difficult task of making writing into a career. Writing is much like art or music. There’s a lot of competition. This doesn’t mean you can’t do it- it’s just all the more difficult to just go into a publishing house and say, “Here, this is a great book I wrote, publish this!” Of course, submitting your work is a whole different ballgame altogether. And who’s to say what you think is great will be great to them? It’s a rough business. There are so many rules and regulations as far as just throwing your work on some publisher’s desk. In fact, a new writer usually isn’t even seen, unless he/she has a reputable agent.

There are many hobbies which I love that make the people in my life say, “You should really consider doing that for a living.” Things such as painting, photography, music and writing are all things I’ve dreamed about doing for a living. I tried photography in galleries and made a few cents in spare change. I even tried eBay, selling my prints online. The shipping was almost the amount of my print- which is where a lot of people make their money. It was pointless. It was too much work for such low income. I didn’t have the right printing equipment. My photography is for my living room only now.

Many things in life discouraged me from pursuing a career in a corporate office, which is where I made the most money. My anxiety attacks disabled me to where I was afraid to even leave the house at times. This is most commonly referred to as agoraphobia. It’s not as bad these days, but the fear of getting an anxiety attack during a work day paralyzes any thought of getting out there again. Of course, anxiety and depression are all related. Some people wonder why doctors prescribe an antidepressant to someone who has anxiety disorder. When I’m having a full-fledged anxiety attack, that sometimes lasts for an hour or so, the next day it will literally have me wiped out in bed. I can’t move. I have no strength. This all leaves me with negative thoughts, which leads into a depressive state of mind. So that’s where the depression links in. Thoughts like, “Why do I get these anxiety attacks? I can’t even go out without having an attack! Am I the only one like this?” With all those negative thoughts, it can determine my mood for the next several days leaving me drained of any energy.

Why am I telling you all this? I guess it’s because most people who read my blog seem to think that Deb’s all “together.” I’m not. I’m human and trying to cope. I may have some great advice for a lot of people, but when it comes to myself, I seek out advice from others. This is one of the many reasons why I created a blog. There are so many people out there that amaze me with their God given ability to reach out and help someone with their words of wisdom. Their advice is like gold to me. Yes, I see a doctor on a bi-weekly basis, but I don’t take anything other than ativan to relieve an oncoming anxiety attack. I refuse to take anything that alters the brain or has more side effects than cyanide.

They say that the mind is a powerful thing. I truly believe that. I know that when I pray and mediate, I feel the sense of encouragement pour over me. Thinking, “I can’t do it,” will result in just that. But if I could just say, “I can do it,” it may get me out of this well. I’ve been trying, but for some reason it’s been a bit slow going. When I’m closer to God, my entire day is different. I have hope. I find myself going out doing things that I normally wouldn’t. My fear is diminished and my anxiety level is low. Some could say it’s the power of the mind, but in my own opinion and experience, it’s the power of God. Not one therapist is going to tell you that though. My therapist doesn’t tell me much actually. He sits there and makes me analyze myself. Don’t I do that enough though? His job is pretty easy! (Or so I think!)

“Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. If you do this, you will experience God’s peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.” ~Philippians 4:6-7

The above scripture helps me realize that praying to God is the most important thing. People always seem to emphasize on the word “independent”. “Oh she’s so independent!” And that’s supposed to be a very good quality in a person…or is it? God wants us to be “dependent” on Him. Maybe that’s what I was trying to do. I was trying to be more independent like everyone else wanted me to be. Or maybe, I should stop trying to please other people and realize that God is the only one that I need acceptance from. Maybe some of you find yourself doing the same thing. It’s easy to fall into that trap of trying to please everyone but yourself. It happens to a lot of us and it can definitely get draining.

What does God expect of you? What do you expect of yourself? Do you have faith that God will be pleased with whatever you do in your life? Do you have faith that you’ll be pleased with your lot in life? And most of all, are you pleased at this very moment with your lot in life?

These are questions I have to ask myself as well. But, in the meantime, I wouldn’t mind hearing your answers.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Myriad of Personalities

Over a lifetime of years, developing relationships from family & friends to acquaintances , I find myself wondering if my personality changes from person to person. With each person, I think we act differently. We say one thing to one person, yet would never blurt the same thing out to another. What makes us act differently? Maybe the nature of the relationship? Maybe it’s the trust factor? Or maybe it’s the way someone else lets you be yourself, instead of putting up a total façade. Do we put up airs in front of certain people we want to impress?

Let’s start out with friends. I usually joke around and laugh with the friends who are lighthearted and fun. These friends aren’t offended very easily with sarcastic jokes or comments I make in jest. They don’t take things personally, unless it’s a personal attack on one’s integrity. Insults are much different from making a sarcastic joke. When you insult someone, you hurt them- possibly making them want to become distant from you or break up the friendship entirely. There are people in my life who are very conservative and a bit uptight. There’s nothing wrong with that- they’re just reserved a touch. I tend to not tell as many jokes or make remarks that would normally make my laid back friends laugh. I become a bit reserved myself around these types of people.

I have some friends who are overly sensitive. To even entertain the idea of joking around about someone else, or even them, makes them upset. Sometimes they conjure things up in their own head. For instance, I’ll say, “Gee, I think I put on a few pounds!” They’ll immediately think you’re talking about them! “Well, she probably noticed my hips look bigger in these pants- and that’s why she’s mentioning that!” Wrong. I’m mentioning it because my scale gave me a few hints. I literally go insane with these types of friends because their insecurity levels are so high, that it’s like walking on eggshells when being around them.

We all have our levels of insecurity. But when does it come to the point where we have to say, enough is enough? What baffles me even more is that most of the people who are like this are usually the beautiful / handsome ones that hold themselves well in social settings. Underneath, they’re a pile of nerves about to explode. I feel bad for them, but I can’t help but feel uneasy about being in their presence. I can only imagine how many of my friends are reading this right now thinking, “Is she talking about me?” Watch.

There has always been a huge pet peeve of mine. I have a few straight girlfriends that are literally chameleons when they get together with me and the rest of my friends. What happens is, they end up saying, “Well I don’t know if I’m gay or straight. I think I may be bi.” And that’s fine. But in my opinion, you would already know this since childhood. I firmly believe that if you are gay, lesbian or bi-sexual, then you would know before even toggling around if this was truth or not. Also, it irritates me when a girl wants to make me, or one of my other friends a complete guinea pig to the whole ‘gay scene’. This happened to me before I was in a long-term relationship, and I fell for it a few times. Now I see a few of my friends going through the ‘guinea pig phase’, and it always makes me cringe. I know they’re going to get burned in the end.

It’s interesting how much more careful we have to be in order to keep a stable friendship with certain people. This even trickles over into family. There are different and unique personality traits that have to be handled differently. For instance, I can joke about one thing to one sister, but kind of tone it down with another. All my sisters are great with my sense of humor- so I’m thankful. One of my sisters is just hysterical. If you tell her, “Hey, your hair looks great today,” she’ll turn around and say, “Why? What was wrong with it yesterday?” It’s cute. But I have learned to stay away from the word “today”. Another sister of mine will take offense to the word “cute”. “What a cute top that is!” She’ll quickly glance at you with a questionable look… “Cute?” She wants “sexy” to be the word-- “GORGEOUS” to be the key word with any garment she is wearing. Again, it’s funny. Another sister of mine will take offense to the many remarks *I* give her about the baby safe locks all over her cabinets and house…even her toilet. She takes this very seriously (which I think is great and it keeps kids out of dangerous stuff), but I can’t help but poke fun at her about it. Each cabinet, toilet, door, and window is securely locked to prevent anyone (including adults sometimes) from opening it. Thank God I’ve mastered the toilet lock, or she would have kicked me out of her house for clean up in aisle two.

So now I sit here, wondering which person in my life is going to send me that email asking, “Was that one part about me?”

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Ba Hum"bug"!

I’ve tried everything from Echinacea, vitamin C to hot soup, gargling with salt water and Swedish nurses. This cold won’t leave me. Some would say alcohol kills the bug—the good stuff—not just beer. Well, I went down to the local pub & restaurant where they serve up the most delicious bloody marys with Amy. I asked them to give it the “Deb style”, which involves mostly Ketel One vodka and a touch of tomato juice. I asked for the hot sauce on the side. I dowsed the hot sauce ten million times to get any left over germ that may be lingering.

This trick seemed to work. We headed off to Target to get some last minute Christmas gifts. I decided to grab a gingerbread latte at the Starbuck’s next door. Bad move. This stuff is loaded with so much cream- it’s disgusting. I felt it coming on. My cold was back, and it was getting worse. The real question is, why do Starbuck’s, Duncan Donuts and other coffee hut branches serve up their coffee with 95% cream and 5% coffee? This defeats the whole purpose of the coffee bean high. They should just serve hot cream in a cup with coffee grind packets to replace the sugar. I felt like I had strands of mucus flying out of every cavity of my head. Not an attractive sight to see. Above is my version of coffee. I drink it black, no cream or sugar, but sometimes I like to have a treat. I didn't know I was going to drink a gallon of half-n-half!

This is what Starbuck's coffee is made out of. There may be one or two grinds of coffee in that glass, but the rest is all cream. Can you imagine what this does for someone who has a cold? It's a mucus nightmare!

I’m trying not to stay home too much. I know they say rest up and sleep as much as you can, but I’m restless. Then you have other people saying go out and get some air, it’ll do you some good. I took the second advice. If I sit home, the living room or bedroom- or whatever room I occupy while being sick, has the ‘air of sick' in it. You know what I mean. It’s when you walk into a room where someone has been in it all day coughing, hacking and sneezing. It feels a bit damp and musty. It needs to be aired out. So I decided to air myself out. Well, this sickness has been going on for over a week now.

Tomorrow evening, I’m supposed to meet up with CP and her husband for a bite to eat and a few cocktails. It doesn’t look like I’m going to be able to make it. Even if I could, I wouldn’t want to bring CP and her “hotband” down with her cold. She’ll never let me down for that one. Being that CP’s a nurse and all, she’ll probably be all prepared with a huge vat of antibacterial gel as well as a surgical mask when hanging out with me. And no, I wouldn’t be insulted. It’s something most people should think about during this cold and flu season. My next step is to invest in a bubble.

Enjoy your week and don’t touch the handles on those shopping carts!!!

Saturday, December 16, 2006

Head Nurse Position: Filled

Thanks for everyone who applied for the nursing position. Deb has selected the most qualified candidate for this job. Asa, has accepted our offer and has already started early this morning. The only stipulation was that Deb tends to whine a lot. Wine? Whine? She does both. In fact, Asa has offered to bring her mom’s old remedy, which includes hot red wine with lemon & honey. Deb was pleasantly surprised with this lovely offer. This was an eye catcher for Deb.

When Asa walked in the door, she walked upstairs to where Deb was honking, sneezing, sniffling, tearing, hacking, coughing and yes…whining.

“Surprise! I’m here with delicious hot red wine and some fabulous Swedish meatballs!” Asa said, as she stood there in this most peculiar outfit. It looked as if she went to some bizarre birthday bash, or some bachelorette party. I couldn’t figure this one out, but she looked like a hot number- regardless.

Did she think this was the uniform she was supposed to wear? And that hat! Bunny ears would have been better- but this will do. She seems eager and full of anticipation of getting Deb back to full recovery. A good attitude sufficed.

“Ughh, Asa, my head hurts, and my back aches, and my nose won’t stop running…help!”
“Stop whining and have some of this!” Asa says, as she fills Deb’s glass up with delicious hot red wine. After Deb finished it off, Asa kept refilling her glass. Soon enough, Deb drifted off into a coma-like sleep. Asa then went downstairs to prepare her Swedish meatballs. The smell wafted into Deb’s room, waking her up.

“Mmm, what’s that?” Deb said, as she rubbed her tired eyes. She decided to get up with her plaid pajamas and flip flops. Trudging down the long staircase, there was Asa and all of her Swedish friends having a party. She didn’t even tell Deb about all these women who came along with her. She secretly wanted to put Deb to sleep for hours on end so she could use her house to hold a huge bash.

“Why the nerve!” Deb said under her breath, as she quietly looked down at the beautiful women mingling and laughing. After an hour of watching these ladies, Deb started to miraculously feel better. Between the red wine and having a bunch of beautiful Swedish women running around in her house, Deb felt better. She was healed. This was definitely what the doctor ordered!

I just want to thank Asa for healing me and for the wonderful job she did- even though it wasn’t ‘hands on’. If you never been to Asa’s blog, please visit! I remember when I first went to her blog by mistake- I couldn’t stop reading it. Her writing is very thought provoking and real. Her thought process is amazing and definitely worth reading. Asa’s not only beautiful…she’s got a brain too!

Thanks for all who applied for the nursing position. Next time I need a nurse, please include alcohol as an offering! The runner up was Margie. Her nurturing and loving techniques of healing were quite temping. She even offered to sing for me! Her poetry is outstanding!

CP, Deb was a bit nervous to hire you, due to your aggressive nature. Although you’re quite the sexy nurse with tons of nursing background, she didn’t think your assistant would live through the delegations she had to endure.

Okay, I’m off to get another mug of hot red wine. This stuff ain’t too bad!

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Apply Within

If it’s not one thing, it’s the other. From visiting endless doctors- ones that don’t require people to come in for colds, flues or other virus related stuff, I figured picking up a magazine wasn’t a big deal. No one touched it who was sick. People come in here to get ultrasounds, pap smears and blood work. That’s it. I start flipping through the pages as I waited for the nurse to call me in.

A day later, I’m sick. I’m hacking, coughing, wailing, sniffling, tearing, snorting and blowing my nose like a bugle boy. It wasn’t pretty. The funny thing is, when people hear me blow my nose, they assume I’m one of those ‘quiet types’ that just steams off a little whoooooosh- and that’s it. Nope. I’m honking so loud, that I could use it as my mating call. It’s a very unattractive quality. I try my best not to do it in public, but it’s just unavoidable.

I don’t care where you are, what you do, or who you’re with- do not touch any magazines that aren’t in your custody at home! Don’t do it. Now think about it… Remember how most of us flip pages? Let me rephrase that. Remember how most people “without” OCD flip pages? They lick their finger. Do we forget about that? I looked around the office and noticed this lady licking her fingertip before she flipped over to the other page. She even made this annoying noise with each lick. It was awful. Why didn’t my head click over to, “Other people do that Deb!”

So now I sit here, wailing, sniffling, tearing, snorting and honking my nose all over the place with a million tissues piled up in my waste basket. I’m a mess. I had way too much soup, which consists of tons of sodium. I’m starting to look much like one of those balloons at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. Retaining water isn’t a fun thing guys. My fingers start to turn purple if I don’t take my rings off after a nice salty meal, and my eyes swell up to where they look like little tiny slits. Yet, another unattractive quality. I try my best not to blow up in public, but again, it’s just unavoidable.

So now I have an open position if any of you are interested. Here’s the qualifications…

NURSE NEEDED:
Dependable nurse needed to take care of Deb as she’s sick in bed. Must be able to tolerate loud noises (her honking) and high demands for more soup. You must monitor her water retention so she can at least get out of the doorway in order to use the restroom. Tea with a shot of whiskey is a must at 2pm. Tasks include taking out her tissue-filled trash can, refilling her water jug, elevating her feet and occasionally giving her a back rub. Dress code is important. Must wear a white nurse’s outfit, which entails a short, slinky skirt. Top must be low cut and “filled out”. (Men, you’ll have to adapt well if you’re applying…or get a sex change. I’m an EOE.) The pay rate is competitive and the benefits are outstanding. Candidate must be detail oriented and be willing to work under pressure. Please apply within the comments. Will need salary requirements and a resume.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

This Hand

CP sent over a video for me to watch. It's very moving and shows a very powerful message at the end of video. Please watch this...especially the ending.

Thanks CP!

By the way, I just wanted to let everyone know that the doctor told me my blood work was fine and I don't need any procedure. The polyp is fairly small, so he's not concerned.

All your prayers helped me! Thanks to everyone who went out of their way to speak to the big guy for me! I'm totally grateful to all of you! Prayer is a powerful thing!

Monday, December 11, 2006

Hormonal Nightmare

After the whole chaos of being on those psychotic birth controls that made me absolutely whacky, from stopping them and coming back down to a state of tranquility- I faced my worst fear: the grocery store. I never trek into huge supermarkets packed with people playing bumper cars with their shopping carts. Everyone seems to be lost in their own world, on a mission to find what’s on their list. I had a get together planned for that evening. I needed to see my friends I haven’t seen in a while. I forced myself to grab a cart (with gloves of course) and head inside the madhouse.

I managed to grab everything that was on my list, including things I really didn’t need. That’s just how I am – a total impulse buyer. I finally get to the checkout line. There was only one person standing in front of me. I thought, “Wow, what a breeze this was!” Until I heard, “Price check please!”

That was it. I knew I was in it for the long haul. I felt my anxiety rise within me, so I started to watch this little television they had up to entertain their angry and impatient customers. It didn’t work. My ADD kicked in and I started to panic wondering when I would get out of here.

Finally, it was my turn.

“Super saving’s card?”
“Uh, no…”
“What’s your phone number?”
The checkout woman asks.
“212-555-2473.” I blurt out.
“Hmm, maybe you’re under a different number?”
“Huh?”
“Well, you’re not showing up as a super saver.”
“No- I never applied.”
“Do you want to?”
“Just check me out and I’ll pay whatever it is…”
I said, frustrated that this lady assumed I had a super saver card. Just ring me up! I know she was trying to be courteous and nice. She was trying to save me money, but my anxiety said, “GO GO GO GO!”

She kept persisting though.

“But, you could save so much by signing up at the customer service station right there. Do you at least have a coupon?”

I looked at the customer service line that was a mile long. Not doing it.

“No. Please ring me up.”

Luckily I got out of there before I was sent home by security with a straight jacket on. I piled my groceries in and headed for the Italian deli, which serves specialty dishes and great marinated goodies. There was enough there to pack a good healthy artery or two.

“Here, try dis’!” Paulie says, as he comes out from the counter with a piece of salami of some sort (soprassata) and hands it to this customer who looked as though she was nothing to mess with. Her hair was short cropped- I want to say pretty close to a mullet. She had a Yankee’s jacket on and a pair of Levi’s and work boots.

“I can’t man.”
“Git ova’ here- try dis! It’s good!”
“Tell that to my doctor and my cholesterol level.”

“Ahhh---fuggedaboudit!!! We live way past our nineties and eat wha’ we want!” He says, as he throws his hands up and walks towards me with this slab of fat. I tried it. It was good. And yes, I bought it for my get together.

From delicious fried chicken fingers, to marinated mozzarella balls, I knew the gym should have been in the back of my mind- until I woke up with menstrual pain. I was just through with my cycle. After I abruptly stopped taking the birth control pills due to mood swings and anxiety attacks, I ended up bleeding…a lot. The two martinis the night before didn’t help either. It just made things worse. This morning it was alarming. I had to call the doctor. They said if I wasn’t ‘changing’ every hour, then it’s okay. I have an appointment with the doctor tomorrow about getting the DNC procedure. It’s scary, because I can’t leave my house without the fear of it getting really bad. My mother hemorrhaged a lot in the past- even in public places. I don’t want that happening to me.

So now I sit here writing to all of you about my dilemma. I’m two steps back when I thought I was getting better. Thank you to those who emailed me with advice regarding the PCOS information and the DNC procedure. I also want to thank Madelene and Rev. Kate for going up to the shrine in their churches for me and praying. Prayer is the best gift I can possibly receive. I know that this is routine stuff for women, but it scares me when it comes to these things. I realize that things could be so much worse, and know that I am fortunate health-wise, but it really means a lot to hear advice from people who have experienced this.

I don't know what's worse, having these womanly problems or eating that piece of soprassata.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Hormonal Mess

A tiring and exhausting week of doctors, doctors…and more doctors has me wiped out. I’m being tested for PCOS, (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) which involves a normal pap smear, blood tests, and they started me on birth control pills. As if I need birth controls of any sort. I should really shuffle through Google about the side effects of birth control pills, but I’m scared. I’ll obsess about each and every “possible” side effect they have listed. I do that with any medication- even if it’s Tylenol. I’m not a smoker, so he said that none of the ‘high blood pressure risks’ are applicable. I’m on Loestrin, which my doctor reassures me this is a lighter type of pill. It’s to regulate my hormones and my menstruation. They found a polyp that is one and a half centimeter big. I need a DNC procedure- which they have to put me under anesthesia to do this. I’ve never had an operation or procedure before, other than lasik eye surgery. This is a whole different ballgame.

Now that I have been on these pills, I’m finding that I’m very fatigued and cry at the drop of a hat. On top of that, I’ve been developing anxiety attacks- out of nowhere! I mean, yeah I have anxiety disorder and depression from time to time, but these anxiety attacks include hyperventilation and racing of the heart. My hormones are out of control, and I thought this was supposed to level them out. I have an appointment with my doctor Tuesday to find out if it’s the pills that’s causing these symptoms.

I wonder if I just requested for an entire sex change, if that would sit well with my doctor—or the radical Christians. Then I wouldn’t be gay anymore, right? Hmm. Something to think about at least. You men have it easy!!! I’m having major penis envy with all this womanly crap going on.

Sorry I’ve been away much of the time, but I haven’t been feeling good lately. Once I get more energy, I’ll post more. And if anyone could give me some “womanly advice” as far as PCOS and the DNC procedure, I would appreciate it a lot! I’m kind of scared to do this, but if it helps relieve the intense cramps that debilitate me, the irregular periods and wacky hormones- then it’s worth it!

Monday, December 04, 2006

Curtis and Dani Go On and On...

I recently listened to Curtis Kekoa’s radio segment dedicated to me and was surprisingly amused, and yet I was somewhat sad for him. Curtis is Dani's husband. As most of you know, Dani & Curtis are homophobic people who dwell on the gay lifestyle to the point of exasperation. The rant of his was redundant. He kept asking me to repent. For what Curtis? For loving my partner? For being in a loving relationship that makes me happy?

As far as speaking about my spiritual encounters, he goes on to say how I took LSD. I’ve never touched drugs in my life. Now I have been known to hit the bottle quite a few times, but LSD? Isn’t that slanderous Curtis? In my blog, I only say what’s already “been said”, or “factual statements”. So here’s my factual statements based upon what Curtis and Dani have already admitted. This is a good time to pray for them both.

My letter to Curtis:

Curtis,

Thank you for dedicating your show to me. I thank you for your time, especially the fact that you did this 4am, after your friends went home. That says a lot. I’m sorry that you’re so raveled up with my situation- with my relationship. The truth is, I did in fact have spiritual experiences in order for me to know that God loves me. I don’t only believe…I know. So your show did nothing but make me feel sorry for you.

No one’s out to hurt you Curtis. Even when you found out that your mother was a lesbian, this does not mean she didn’t love you any less. It meant that she wanted to make herself happy by being with the person she fell in love with. This had nothing to do with you. I hope you understand that. I know it must be hard to think your mom is a homosexual, but she’s the same person who brought you up, who cared for you and gave you a roof over your head. This is the woman that showed you unconditional love. She is the same person. God sees her heart, and He also sees yours. In the Ten Commandments, it says to “honor your mother and father”. Do you call this honoring your mother, if you are displaying her lifestyle online and basically shunning her? It’s disrespectful. And if I’m correct- not even homosexuality is listed on that top ten list. And no, it’s NOT the same as adultery. Webster’s dictionary may help you out with that one. Or you can just go here.

On top of that Curtis, your wife was once a lesbian. How does this make you feel? Now, I’m not judging or bashing her for what she did in the past, but I have to wonder if this holds any feelings of insecurity for you. Do you think that your wife is going to leave you for another woman, just because she has experienced the emotional and physical connection with a female in the past? She loves you. Just because she has been with another woman, does not mean she is going to leave you for one. Please know that. Have more confidence in yourself. I can totally understand where your feelings of hate come from when you speak about homosexuality. You’re deathly afraid of it! The two women that you love the most have been with women on intimate levels. I can’t imagine what you’re going through. What I can tell you is this… Loving a person of the same gender doesn’t necessarily mean that they have to be called “lesbians”. Those are just labels. To me, it’s about loving that particular person- not a particular gender. And yes, I call myself a lesbian, because I choose to. I call it that, because I am in a relationship with another woman. I’ve also stated on my blog numerous times that if I weren’t with my partner, who’s to say some man couldn’t sweep me off my feet one day? You just never know.

On your show, you said that God doesn’t have unconditional love. What bible are you reading Curtis? God is all love.

”Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged. It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstances.” ~1 Corinthians 13:4-7

I take my scriptures out of the NLT (New Living Translation). It’s easier to use for those who don’t know the King James Version of the bible. It’s old English, which a lot of people ‘new’ to the Lord will find it hard to understand. It has too many thus, thou, thee, etc. So I wanted to simplify it for people to better understand what the Lord teaches us.

Also, I would like to take this opportunity to say that you succeeded in hurting me. You insulted me by calling me a moron on your show. Does a real Christian do that? Your words are weapons. The fact that your entire show was contradictory to everything you spoke of, made me feel better that it showed you & your wife’s true colors. That’s why I’m directing everyone to listen to your show. It shows hatred, intolerance and bigotry. But, it also shows someone who is hurt, due to their mother and wife being homosexuals themselves. I am so sorry that you’re so torn up about this Curtis. Again, that has nothing to do with you. Your wife has come out of the homosexual lifestyle, to marry you. That’s huge!

I’m not angry with you or Dani. In fact, I thank you for trying to convert me into being a heterosexual. Again, it’s not about labeling, it’s about the person I fall in love with. I think some men are very attractive. I’m human. This does not make me bi or straight- it makes me…”me”.

I don’t consider you a bad person. I just see you as a broken man full of hurt and anger. I see someone full of resentment for women as well as the gay and lesbian community. I can definitely see where it stems from.

”Never pay back evil for evil to anyone. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable. Do your part to live in peace with everyone, as much as possible.

Dear friends, never avenge yourselves. Leave that to God. For it is written,
‘I will take vengeance
I will repay those who deserve it.’ says the Lord.

Instead, do what the Scriptures say:

‘If your enemies are hungry, feed them. If they are thirsty, give them something to drink, and they will be ashamed of what they have done to you.’

Don’t let evil get the best of you, but conquer evil by doing good.” ~Romans 12:17-21


So my message to you is, love yourself more. Focus on the good. Focus on your relationship with God, as well as your loving relationship with your wife. You two share the same faith, which is wonderful. Put your energy into something positive, instead of trying to hurt people.

Ask yourself, what would Jesus do? Think about it. The story I gave you about the immoral woman was true. It’s in the bible. He did not tell her, “Go and sin no more.” That was a different scripture all together. The point of this story is, that Jesus took notice on the love and dedication that this woman was displaying, instead of the “perfect Christian” who remained faithful to the law. The Pharisee’s relationship with Jesus wasn’t as strong as the relationship that Jesus developed with this immoral woman. He forgave her sins, because He saw her heart. You can be the best Christian in the world, go to church every Sunday like clockwork, have fellowship with other Christians and do good deeds, but that isn’t a fast ticket into heaven. Having a personal relationship with Jesus is, and loving your neighbor as you would yourself. What you displayed on your show wasn’t loving at all. It was pure hatred. Does it exhaust you to hate so much?

You and your wife have great outlets to give God’s message. Why don’t you use it to lift people’s spirits up and edify them with words of power, instead of words of weapons. Your show’s name, “Words Are Weapons” is enough to tell me that you’re out to hurt people.

Do you ever get tired of it?

Click here to hear Curtis and Dani talk about me throughout their entire show.

Friday, December 01, 2006

God Loves All His Gay Children

This is a video I made to show that God loves everyone equally- whether straight or gay. Love doesn't have boundaries...hate does.

Thursday, November 30, 2006

Calling All Humans Who Love God!

”Because our words carry tremendous power, we need to learn to say only what needs to be said . . .words which will bless and edify, not curse or tear down.” ~Joyce Meyer

It’s no secret that I don’t think before I speak sometimes. I say things abruptly when I’m angry and sometimes hurt those that I love the most. It happens. There are times where I find myself saying things unintentionally that make others feel bad. It’s because I fail to think before I speak sometimes. I’m still learning. I've learned to keep my mouth shut and wait 24 hours before I speak when I'm angry.

Words hold so much power. Even psychology teaches us to say it, believe it, and then do it. If you keep telling yourself, “I can’t do it, I can’t do it!” Eventually, you will start believing that you can’t do it. If you tell yourself, “I can do this!” Eventually, you will start to believe that you can do it. Visualization techniques such as CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) is another way to establish beliefs in yourself, but verbalizing your actions in my opinion holds so much more power.

People have the ability to influence others with mere words. To my knowledge, I wasn’t aware of how my words affected others- even through my writing. I was getting discouraged, because I sometimes trek over to my reviews of my book, and only see a few sitting in there. The other day, I received an email from a reader who thanked me for helping her. I wasn’t sure if I was making a difference. Then this morning when I woke up, I opened up my email and saw two more sitting in there thanking me for encouraging them to draw near to God. They saw a different point of view from another believer in Christ.

The reason I started writing was through my spiritual encounters I had with God. I quickly started writing what was happening to me, and it manifested itself into a journal, and quickly before I knew it, it then became a book that I published. There were times while writing my book that I felt it wasn’t even my own fingers typing. There were tons of messages brought to me through God that left me speechless.

I thought, “Why me? I’m gay. Isn’t that such a detestable sin?”

I didn’t think I was worthy enough for God to talk to me, because I was living my life as a homosexual. I’m an abomination to God! Why would He even give me a chance to have this beautiful encounter with Him? I was honored. I was also scared at times too, because the feeling of His spirit was so overwhelming at times, it left me shaking and crying out of pure joy. I didn’t think my body could handle this feeling of extreme emotion. I can’t even explain to you how it felt. The only thing I can tell you is- it was real. Like I always say, science can call me on it and say it was a psychotic moment and that my mind produced some type of chemical reaction to make me feel that way. To me? It was amazing. I believe (and know) with all my heart, that God came to me for a reason; a very specific reason.

There are so many tortured souls out there looking for the truth. So many people struggling with their “sin”, or what the mainstream thinks is a sin. In my experience, God called me “His messenger”. No, I’m not going crazy. This is why I am so persistent about my beliefs in God, and why I tolerate such hatred from other Christians. Who’s going to tell me differently from what God has told me? Who do I believe? God or a human?

All scriptures from the bible say that it is inspired by God, right? The people who wrote the bible claim it was from spiritual experiences that they have had. Okay. Think about this though… The bible was written years ago. So many translations of that bible have been tweaked a number of times. I even see the truth in it. I see what they speak of, when they reiterate the fact that homosexuality is a sin. The truth is, they speak of homosexuality in the promiscuous way- the lustful way. They don’t speak of it in terms of a loving relationship between two people of the same gender.

Even heterosexual premarital sex is considered a sin. Now, if the state allowed the gays and lesbians to marry- don’t you think they would try and do the right thing, if premarital sex was seen as a sin? They literally can’t marry due to “people”…not God. Homosexuality is looked upon only in the sexual way. When someone hears, “Oh he/she is gay,” the only thing that comes to mind is sex. But when speaking of a couple that is heterosexual, most likely they will think of a union based in the form of a loving relationship.

Being gay isn’t all about sex. We have emotions, feelings, love and the need for companionship. We desire a life with the person we “love”. Our “orientation” is not an impulse for sexual desires- it goes beyond that. Don’t get me wrong, there are many promiscuous homosexuals, as well as heterosexuals. Fundamentalists can’t see the difference between what the scripture references to. They can only pinpoint the fact that “immoral sex” is bad. Well of course it is! It’s not only bad for the spirit, but it can have a negative affect on the physical body as well if done with carelessness. Being in a union with someone you love unconditionally holds so much more value. God blesses those unions.

God sees our hearts. He knows what we’re going to pray for, before we even speak a word to Him. He knew that some would be gay, some would be straight and others would possibly get lost along the way. This is all meant for a purpose. My purpose is to show those who feel lost in faith because of their sexual orientation; that it’s okay to love someone of the same gender. GOD LOVES YOU! This is His message to them. This is the message to those who are straight and suffering from any other type of guilt their plagued with. I am not twisting the word of God. I am stating what I have heard from Him myself! You can either believe it, or choose to simply ignore my message. That’s totally up to you.

Remember, whatever cross you have to bear, God will see you through it. You’re not alone. Even when you feel too guilty to come to Him- remember that it’s the work of Satan that produces the emotion of “guilt”. God doesn’t give us guilt, anger, jealousy, resentment and depression. Only Satan does. Go beyond this…move forward. Show the devil and his followers or even pseudo Christians that you’re better than that. Step out in faith and know that you will always be loved by God.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Christians Chant: "God Hates Fags!"





Matthew Shepard beaten to death because he was gay.

Teena Brandon (or Brandon Teena) was raped and killed due to the intolerance of her lifestyle.

…”Sadly - The only thing Deb and the "Gay Christian" community is doing is 'loving' and 'tolerating' people STRAIGHT to hell.” Dani says.

Isn’t that what Jesus did? He loved and tolerated those who sinned. We’re all sinners- regardless.

This story below proves that Jesus accepted sinners. The most important thing to Him is that you love Him with all your heart. That’s the most important commandment of all.

“Jesus Anointed by a Sinful Woman”

One of the Pharisees asked Jesus to come to his home for a meal, so Jesus accepted the invitation and sat down to eat. A certain immoral woman heard he was there and brought a beautiful jar filled with expensive perfume. Then she knelt behind him at his feet, weeping. Her tears fell on his feet, and she wiped them off with her hair. Then she kept kissing his feet and putting perfume on them. When the Pharisee who was the host saw what was happening and who the woman was, he said to himself, “This proves that Jesus is no prophet. If God had really sent him, he would know what kind of woman is touching him. She’s a sinner!” Then Jesus spoke up and answered his thoughts. “Simon,” he said to the Pharisee, “I have something to say to you.” “All right. Teacher,” Simon replied, “go ahead.” Then Jesus told him this story: “A man loaned money to two people—five hundred pieces of silver to one and fifty pieces to the other. But neither of them could repay him, so he kindly forgave them both, canceling their debts. Who do you suppose loved him more after that?” Simon answered, “I suppose the one for whom he canceled the larger debt.” “That’s right,” Jesus said. Then he turned to the woman and said to Simon, “Look at this woman kneeling here. When I entered your home, you didn’t offer me water to wash the dust from my feet, but she has washed them with her tears and wiped them with her hair. You didn’t give me a kiss of greeting, but she has kissed my feet again and again from the time I first came in. You neglected the courtesy of olive oil to anoint my head, but she has anointed my feet with rare perfume. I tell you, her sins—and they are many—have been forgiven, so she has shown me much love. But a person who is forgiven little shows only little love. Then Jesus said to the woman, “Your sins are forgiven.” The men at the table said among themselves, “Who does this man think he is, going around forgiving sins?” And Jesus said to the woman, “Your faith has saved you; go in peace.” ~Luke 7:36-50

Fundamentalist Christians scare me. Extremists of any religion scares me, because they’re a potential danger to those who are different. They have absolutely no tolerance for anyone who doesn’t fit their standards of being a “Christian” or whatever religion they stand for. Look at 9/11. Extremist Muslims killed for their God. Look at all the hate crimes committed, such as Teena Brandan. Two men brutally raped and beat her up, because she was a transexual. Matthew Shepard- killed and murdered due to his orientation; due to intolerance for homosexuals. How far does it get when one feels the need to “kill off” homosexuals, or those who are different?

It goes with any “differences”. Whether you’re black, Jewish, Muslim, gay, homosexual or in an interracial relationship, people will find a way to ridicule you and possibly hurt you. Has the world become so insecure with themselves that they feel the need to hurt those who don’t live as they do? Some say that the real meaning of being a homophobic is out of insecurity of being a heterosexual.

In my opinion, hating those who are different from you stems from hating something within yourself.

What do you think?

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

The Faces are Many...In the Name of Religion

As Dani continues to speak of my “sin” on her blog, I chose to take part in the discussion. Maxime, a young girl who was influenced by Dani was a guest blogger who brought up my situation a couple of times. "How can Deb call herself a Christian if she’s a lesbian?"

I’m not going to say much upon this topic, due to the redundancy. I can only ask if you can view this video below. It shows how intolerant this world is to people who are different. The hatred and violence is beyond it’s limits. People have lost their lives by others who were intolerant of their lifestyle. They feel they have “righteous judgment” and feel the need to convict those who they think are committing a sin. Isn’t it God’s job to judge? Don’t we trust God to do His job?

My question is, how can you be hateful and still call yourself a Christian?

The most important commandment is this: “Hear O Israel! The Lord our God is the one and only Lord. And you must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength.” The second is equally important: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” No other commandment is greater than these. ~Mark 12: 29-31

These are words spoken by Jesus Himself. Christian extremists and other religious finatics are killing one another in the name of religion. Please, if you have time- watch this video.

EDIT: I'm not sure why the video isn't showing anymore, but if you click here, you can view it from this link.

Monday, November 27, 2006

The Memory Pill

Gamey smelling turkey leftover in the fridge, a few pieces of pie still lying on the bottom shelf and a few pumpkins left over from Halloween still sitting in the same spot. I need to throw them out. There’s an eerie calmness after a holiday. On Thanksgiving, it’s more of a tranquil feeling. There’s still an exciting energy due to the next holidays coming up. Is it excitement or anxiety? I’m not sure.

Wayworn travelers cluttered bumper-to-bumper on the freeways trying to make it back home from relatives’ houses and/or shopping sprees grumble and honk their horns at other motorists, fearing never getting to their destinations. Department stores packed with agitated shoppers and their toddlers screaming and crying begin to settle on your last nerve.

“I need a drink.”
“Okay, let’s head to ‘Friday’s’ for a cocktail.” Amy suggests.

We head over to the big square bar that wrapped itself almost around the entire room. The tables on the side were filled up with overtired and hungry people guarding their shopping bags with their life.

“What kind of pinot noir do you have?” I ask the bartender, hoping to find one I preferred.
“We have a really nice pinot grigio that you may like.”
“No. Any pinot noirs—wait—what red wines do you carry?”
“Oh, cabernet or merlot.”
“Cabernet please.” I said, exhausted from thinking. Amy looked over at me after she ordered a nice easy Amstel Light. She didn’t want to bother boggling the mind of a young eighteen year old who didn’t know a thing about wine. Beer was her thing. Shots were her specialty. Besides, who orders wine at a chain restaurant? Surprisingly, the young bartender brought over a huge beautiful goblet of cabernet…which was actually pretty good. It wasn’t pure vinegar.

Five fish bowl goblets of red wine and two trips to the loo later, thoughts of the past started sinking in. Each Christmas holiday is different for me. As I grow older, I’ve noticed that my relationships with people change somewhat, my location of celebration alters, as well as my attitude towards the holiday itself- it’s become a huge business. The whole meaning of “Christ”mas is lost, due to pressures of gifts and what to get who this year. It should be much like Thanksgiving- family and friends getting together with good cocktails and delicious foods. We also think about those we lost in the past, who have celebrated Christmas with us many times before. It makes you think of who else we’ll lose.

The holidays start becoming more of a reminder of who and what we lost during the course of our lives. People become angry, sad and depressed over the holiday, instead of happy, jovial and appreciative. I’m trying to keep that “holiday spirit’ in check, but it’s hard when you have things to remind you each time you do something to celebrate. During this time, there are more suicides and suicide attempts. People tend to be more depressed. Is it because of their memories? It’s not necessarily bad memories that make them depressed. It’s the good memories too, that make them long for the good ol' days. “Christmas won’t be the same without him/her…” Whether through a break up or a death, it still hurts knowing that special someone won’t be there this year. Divorces are especially hard when it comes to the kids. Who do they spend it with? Christmas Eve with one parent and Christmas day with the other? I’m not sure how the other holidays are sort out as far as dates go, so that’s why I’m referring to Christmas right now. It’s what I know.

They recently just came out with ‘the memory pill’. This pill is known to erase tragic events that took place, and can erase unwanted memories. There’s a huge debate about it. One debate explains that it may decrease our learning capabilities. For instance, if you make a fool out of yourself at a party, you can erase that memory and forget about it. But what about the learning process behind it? It’ll make you remember what you did, leaving you to only do what’s best…to not do that again. It makes sense. But then you have the debate, where a woman was tragically raped. It replays over and over inside her head. They showed this on 20/20 last night. She has been living with this horrific memory for thirty years! They gave her the pill, and it detached the emotions that went with the memory. So now, whenever her husband goes near her, she doesn’t hesitate or become distant. She is so thankful for this pill.

Researchers believe that if they do put this out on the market, people will get doctors to sign a prescription for those who are lying about a certain memory. Instead, they wipe out a tragic thing that they did themselves. What if a pedophile can’t resist his/her temptation, and completely wipes out the memory of their crime so they don’t feel guilty? What about in court, when the person can’t remember the crime they committed and on the lie detector it shows they were telling the truth, only because they can’t remember it anymore due to this “wonder pill”?

Our memories are there for a reason. If we don’t go through certain things, like bad relationships, rough break ups, deaths, losing a job or any other negative experience, how are we supposed to handle things in the future better? It would be as though we were going through it for the first time. And remember our first time in a bad break up? Remember our first relationships? I know for me, I have learned a whole lot about myself through bad relationships and what I “wouldn’t” do today. I personally feel that this memory pill is not only dangerous, but it’ll make us naïve and careless in life.

Your thoughts?

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Gratitude

The world is not always a peaceful place to live. Encounters with fear, worry, and difficult circumstances encroach regularly. But it isn’t Gods desire to allow the negative aspects of life to steal your peace, joy, hope, and confidence. God wants to help you deal with your fears and worries. When you fully understand that the battles and struggles of life are not yours to fight alone, you experience divine peace and gain the strength to live your life fully.

This peace from God is unlike the natural peace you experience in your life. That type of peace fluctuates with circumstances. Divine peace is dependent on your relationship with God, and as long as you are living in close communion with Him, it is a constant in your life, no matter what is going on around you. God’s peace supernaturally calms your fears and serves as an assurance of his presence. What a blessing!

Divine peace in your heart and mind is not subject to the whims of circumstance and fortune. It is a true and lasting peace that grows as you learn to trust God. If your life is filled with turmoil, ask God to fill you with divine peace. Your circumstances won’t necessarily change, but you discover an inner confidence and know that God will be there to see you through whatever life has in store. ~GRQ Inc.

It’s safe to say that I’ve been living under feelings of guilt, fear, depression and anxiety. All of us go through these emotions- I know that. For me, it's a matter of getting rid of these feelings that plague me. I need it to go away. These past few days, I’ve realized that these feelings will not go away on its own. I have to consciously make an effort to deal with what I have on my plate. I have to stop being so independent, and more dependant on God. (Independent in terms of trying to fix things or make them right- on my own, without God's help.) Even if things never change in my favor, I have to make other options to make myself happy.

All of these negative emotions causes extreme lassitude on my entire body. I’m constantly fatigued, worn out and have no desire to do the things I normally love to do. My writing has been suffering and my love for music (playing guitar & song writing) has come to a halt. Usually, this time of year, I look around for a part time job bartending for extra money during the holidays. I have absolutely no desire. I was about to apply for one particular job, which I know pays really well, and I just walked away from it.

There’s so many things in life that some of us take for granted. I know I do. I don’t realize at the time, and then when I’m calm, content and at peace (which is rare), I find myself appreciating all the things I nearly forgot about. Everything seems bad at the time. Things aren’t going right, or things aren’t moving as fast as we want them to. It basically boils down to patience with me. I don’t have an ounce in my body. But, while waiting for God’s gifts to come, I simply forget what’s right in front of me for the meantime and for the rest of my life hopefully.

1. My family. They’re always making me laugh. Laughter is the key to my heart. They have helped me through so much. For that, I am thankful.

2. I sometimes forget the love and support I get from my friends. They always encourage me and lend me their ear when I need to vent. Thank you.

3. When I was about five years old, I always wondered if I’d have my parents when I was in my thirties. I do. And for that, I am very thankful that I have the both of them, healthy and full of spunk.

4. The place I live now. I rant and rave about being too close to comfort to the parental units, but to tell you the truth, it’s truly a blessing that they are so close by. I’m so thankful that I have a roof over my head and a great place to stay.

5. I’m glad I went through all the negative experiences that I’ve encountered. It made me stronger and it definitely had me learning quite a few things about situations…and about myself. God puts you in situations for a reason. If He brings you to it…He’ll see you through it. I totally believe that.

6. I can’t emphasize enough what a joy it is to see the sunrise every single morning outside of my window, beyond the mountains. When I lived in a condo, I didn’t get to see this gorgeous view. It’s breathtaking.

7. My black coffee every morning. I know it’s a small thing to be grateful for, but without it, I’m a grouch! So other people in my life may be grateful for that too.

8. For years, I was legally blind. I decided to get lasik surgery. They told me that my cornea was so thin, that there was a chance they may cut through it by mistake, leaving me blind. I’m so glad I see 20/20 now…and my corneas are just fine! So I am grateful for my beautiful female surgeons who did a fantastic job! (I didn’t know they were that gorgeous until after the operation!)

9. My ability to write and express myself on my blog as well as in my books. I’m so glad I have a few hobbies, like playing guitar, song writing, photography as well as art to keep my mind occupied. These are the gifts that God gave to me, and I’m so thankful for that.

10. People I have met through blogging. Yes, I am extremely grateful for all of you who read me, and give me advice, suggestions, opinions and your thoughts. It’s practically better than therapy! I can’t tell you how much I have learned from all of you through your writings, your comments- even if they were opposing to my thoughts. So thank you for sticking it out with me and still reading my blog!

So, what are you thankful for in your life?

Happy Thanksgiving!

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Come On Rosie!

As a gay person myself, I’m totally appalled about what Rosie O’Donnell said to Kelly Ripa. Rosie basically pulled the “homophobe” card out. It all happened when Clay Aiken was co-hosting for Regis on “Live with Regis and Kelly”. He put his hand over Kelly’s mouth because she was talking over him. Kelly got offended, and Clay said, “Oh, now you’re mad at me,” and Kelly responded, “Well I don’t know where that hand of yours has been!”

Rosie thinks it was geared towards Clay being a homosexual, as she made that clear on “The View”. Kelly explained that due to her having kids, Clay shaking hands with everyone of his fans and the fact that it’s flu season had her worried about her hand over her mouth.

She is totally right. Now, as I stand—as a gay person with OCD---I am applauding Kelly for standing up for herself! I cannot stand it when gay celebrities pull out the ‘gay card’, just as though some people of different cultures will pull out the ‘race card’. Kelly would have said it to the most gorgeous straight man, if he were to do the same exact thing that Clay did to her. Rosie thinks Kelly is a homophobe. Come on!

What do you think of all this?

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Trying to See Past the Fog

A pile of rubble in the middle of the room. It’s making me claustrophobic and irritable. It’s all my miscellaneous worries, fears and misfortunes stacked up right before me, in the proverbial sense. There’s a ton of cleaning up to do before the holidays. I feel like I’m being tugged in so many directions. Guilt, fear, depression and anxiety have all taken center stage. I prayed to God for something positive to happen. He was able to give me a happy thought for the meantime, just to tide me over. It worked and I went on about my day. Today’s a new day though. I need His help again. The constant imbroglio consisting of family and friends as well as my lover has me in a bit of a quandary.

Bleck! I think it’s the time of year, to tell you the truth. I tapped into the posts that I wrote this time last year. I realized that I was in a gloomy state of mind, and ranting about depressing things. I even displayed a picture of how it looked outside- the same scene that I’m viewing right now. It’s foggy, rainy, dark and gloomy. I went to see my therapist the other day. He said to me that this is the time of year where people are most likely to commit suicide or at least attempt it. November becomes darker during the days much earlier. It’s typically a rainy month.

Sad, rundown, listless, hopeless, weak, fatigued, not caring about things I enjoy, outbursts, rebelling against those I love, and angry are all things I feel right now. (It sounds much like the symptoms of depression on an antidepressant medication commercial.) It’s too much for one person if you think about it. I’ve lost trust in people. I was taught to never trust people; that people would always disappoint you, but God would never. It sounds so pessimistic, doesn’t it? I was never one to be this negative, but I’m feeling it a lot right now. No one’s responsible for my happiness and wellbeing. I know that. I’m the only one that’s responsible, however I’m not doing a very good job at it. Maybe I just don’t care anymore.

A nice gesture as, “What can I do for you” will send me over the edge responding as, “I have no fricken idea what to do for myself!” Sure, I can send advice and suggestions to other people who are feeling down, but why is it that I’m the only one left not knowing what to do about my own depression? I’m lashing out to those who are trying to genuinely help me.

I really need to read the book I wrote and published last year. I mean, I give all this great advice about depression and other topics and yet, I have no idea what to do about ‘me’. Maybe it’s just a phase I’m going through, or maybe it’s just how it is...how it’s going to be forever. I know things could be worse, I realize this, but at the rate of the stagnant pace I’m going, I feel I’m not going to give it much more effort. I may soon give up. Or maybe I’ve given up already. Somebody told me today that I already threw in the towel.

Manipulating Pub’s Clientele

Please click on the picture above, in order to read how Amy & I manipulated a few guys sitting at the bar. A true story that will be told to my grandchildren!

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Blogger Etiquette

In all of the fifteen months that I’ve been blogging, I’ve never really discussed my thoughts on just that…blogging. I had just written my first book, and I needed an outlet of some sort, for random nonsense talk about anything type of writing. But where? Then a friend of mine suggested I start a blog. What the heck is a blog? I never heard of this before. I even tried to start a website on Yahoo Groups—but that quickly died out. I canceled it and thought there was really nothing I can do, but to write a journal in my word document.

Starting off in blogworld, I decided it was going to be focused on my religion in Christianity and focusing on the gay and lesbian lifestyle, which is a contradiction to many people. They see me as this deceitful sinning Christian, who uses chicanery to persuade those who are happy with their lives as homosexuals. There were debates (still are) and many anonymous emails directed to myself, either communicating their beliefs and opinions and/or just tactless ways of criticizing me with their words. I was prepared for this. The amount of choler and angst was enough for other people to jump on the bandwagon and tell their views, as they see fit.

As more people logged on and started commenting, I started reading their blog. Some were intellectually written with political views, some were comically enhanced to drive you in looking for more entertainment, and of course you had those blogs that were basically just like forwarded emails that you get from a friend you haven’t spoken to in a long time…just to keep in touch. I was never one to create a list of “100 things about me”, or questions regarding personal issues. I just wrote about them, as if it were a story. My issues are all laid out on the table for everyone to read. Some feel blogging is all about narcissism, but it's our blog, right? It's all about 'us'!

I didn’t realize how many “adults” were blogging. I thought it was more like a journal for kids to spew their thoughts and nonsense in- sort of like “Myspace”. I quickly found out that there were so many intellectually stimulating adults blogging about everything from politics, religion to relationship advice and comical material. It was amazing. There were some blogs I couldn’t stop reading. Everyday, they would have a new subject. How they did this- I had no clue. Then you had your bloggers who wrote about absolutely nothing- but the details of their entire day. I had no interest in the amount of laundry that you’ve done, nor did I have an interest on how you got your bowels moving.

Someone emailed me asking, “Why don’t you blogroll people?” I didn’t know what this meant. Blogroll? A girl told me that it was basically putting my favorites on my sidebar, so I can quickly click over and read my favorite bloggers. I created one, and started to put the list of my favorites from my browser, into my blogroll. This created a bit of anxiety for me after a few months, because I would get emails asking why “they” weren’t put on my blogroll. Was this a blogger etiquette? If I blogroll you- you have to blogroll me! It didn’t seem right. But I started doing it. I felt bad. After time, I realized I wasn’t trekking into these blogs, that I felt guilty about, so I deleted them off. I use the blogroll for selfish reasons only—so “I” can quickly move into the blogs I want to read. I’m sometimes not at my own computer; therefore I can’t go into my favorites in my browser. So the blogrolling feature is strictly ‘for me’ to use, as well as anyone else who wants to check out my favorite reads. If I don’t like a blog, I do not blogroll them. I’m not being mean, I’m just being honest.

What about commenting? Did you ever think to yourself, are people really reading this? Or are they scanning and commenting, just to receive a comment back? You really have to wonder. But, then you’re soon relieved by that analytical person who leaves a novel in your comment section telling you about their views on the subject you left them pondering about. I remember once, Mike had written a post about a certain subject (forgive me- I forgot which one it was) but it was hysterical, because he basically trapped people to see if they were scanning his blog. He basically set up a ‘dream scenario’ about a vacation he was going on, and at the end, he revealed that it was just that—a dream. In his comment section, he kept getting, “Have a nice vacation Mike!” We had quite a chuckle over that one! (Mike, if you can, link that post in my comments?)

What about the whole blog traffic fiasco, like Blog Explosion or any other type of service that increases your readership? You literally have to read about a hundred blogs in order to receive so many credits, so that they advertise you on their site. This is always good of course, but you really have to put a lot of effort in weeding out all the crappy blogs that they fling your way. And then you have the “pinging” services. Basically, you ping your blog (which puts your blog on the top list of sites on major search engines like, Google, Yahoo, MSN, etc) and having people come in for the wrong reasons. Of course this increases your traffic, but most of the time, it brings in the wrong traffic. I started to realize that the number of your hits isn’t what’s important, it’s the number of ‘come backs’ that makes your blog worth reading. How many times on your site meter have you found someone searching on Google for, “sexy panties worn on a horse” and found YOU? (Of course none of your material had any of that subject matter, but you did have a couple of posts including the words, sexy and a horse you once rode at some ranch up in the country, as well as one describing the great lingerie you bought in Victoria’s Secret.) They mix and mingle words, so that these freakshows log on, in hopes of finding the perfect article.

Then you come across that one blog, that is much like looking at a bug under a microscope. You don’t comment, because your views are quite different, yet you need to keep coming back for more. You become their anonymous blog habitué lurking at their random spew of intriguing wackiness. You didn’t know there were people like that out there. They’re hidden under an anonymous name as well as a cartoon-like picture. No one knows them, so they can say what they want and feel. That’s the beauty of blogging sometimes.

Did you ever notice that some of the best blogs out there, hardly have any comments? It’s so fascinating to see this! I found a few out there like that, and thought to myself, “Why isn’t anyone commenting?” They write---because they love to write. They don’t care about readership. But, on one of these blogger’s stats, it showed their traffic to be quite large! But the baffling part about it was that no one was commenting. I’ve also noticed some bloggers don’t even give an option to comment. There’s an article out (please forgive me that I can’t reference to it—I read it a while ago) that says when you start a blog for the first time, disable all comments and see who comes in and out. Once you have enough readership, then open up the comments. Usually, they come out of the woodwork—and there you have it. I thought that was pretty clever, and at the same time not so great. I remember the first time I blogged, I left the comments open in hopes that someone would say, “Hey, I agree or disagree!” Just to get a response. And, I absolutely love to come across a newly born blog. I’m sure you’ve seen this before. You log onto a blog that has it’s first post ever. Isn’t great to be the first commenter encouraging them on? (Even if it’s just a frivolous subject matter.) “Good luck” is all you have to say sometimes.

So whatever reason you’re blogging…do it for you. Write because you love to write and get your views and opinions across. Write because it’s therapeutic. Comment on other blogs, because you feel a strong urge to. Write without expectations and know that your thoughts are your own. Develop a thick skin for those who disagree with your views. Comment back to your audience, if you want to, not because it’s the ‘blogger etiquette’ way of doing things. Don’t feel obligated if you don’t feel like reading other people’s blogs that day. Read blogs, because you enjoy them, not because you want them to read yours.

Why do you blog?

Friday, November 10, 2006

Thursday, November 09, 2006

The Wolf in Sheep's Clothing

The ability to give is an incredible gift. The ability to give without expectations and/or resenting it later on is definitely a trait in someone’s character that’s admirable. In the back of your mind, you always have to wonder what people’s motives are. The ‘do gooders’ in life- why do they go out of their way, to just throw it back into your face? Are they sincere at the time of their generosity? Or do they already know and premeditated a plan to let it all come crashing down, once the ‘receiver’ has been satisfied with the gift at hand? A “thank you” isn’t enough. Some ‘do gooders’ want your blood. They want you to serve them forever- reminding you of every good deed they have done for you.

There are some ‘do gooders’ who feel that their good deeds will be noticed by God, or worse yet, be noticed by other people. “Oh what a wonderful person Jane is! Look at her charity work! She is a Godsend!” Do they look for that special pat on the back? Or do they expect some sort of treatment that is equal or beyond from what they’ve done? If I do this much for them, then I need this much back, type of scenario.

It’s a shame, because I find myself seeking the motives in people’s generosity. If it’s too much, I find myself declining. If it’s even a small gesture, I wonder what that person wants from me. I don’t like to dwell on the negative aspects of giving, but lately, I’ve come across people who have hidden agendas and motives. They want to appear as ‘do gooders’, and look good to those around them. “Look what I did!” I won’t let people do that to me anymore. I used to think, “Wow that was really nice of them…what a big heart he/she has!” Now, I’m like, “What’s his/her deal?” And it’s sad to think that way sometimes, because there are genuine people who are very giving and loving. So it’s not fair to them.

In any event, to me, it’s like selling your soul to the devil. “Oh, no, I got this.” As they pick up the tab, in front of everyone at the table. Do they truly believe karma will pay for dinner next time? Maybe. But, these people seek much more than a payback. They want your blood. Their thirsty to take you in, make you their slave for life and expect you to be there at any given moment.

What about those who are really sincere about their good deeds? It’s hard to tell with so many bad eggs around, isn’t it? You don’t know who to trust. It’s literally impossible to see the wolf in sheep’s clothing. They’re greedy people incognito running around manipulating reverse psychology on everyone; making them appear as the angel of light.

I don’t mean to discourage anyone from being grateful to those who are generous. Just keep an eye out and an ear open when you’re around someone who is constantly doing ‘good’, but constantly throwing it back in your face later on. Not only that, but they’ll insist they didn’t get a ‘thank you’, when in fact, you went beyond the means of saying thank you. Sometimes, you even begged them not to. “Oh, I wouldn’t have it any other way!” They insist that you take their offer. “No, no, I feel bad, let me pay for it.” And they rush off with the ‘tab’ or whatever good deed they spilled out, to give you an illusion of kindness, when it’s nothing more than a mere set of motives.

The wolf—she’s out there. She’s out on the prowl looking for her next victim. Be on alert, because if she comes after you, they’ll be payback! They’ll be hell to raise and they’ll be a tab that’s already taken care of…with tons of expectations behind it.

Saturday, November 04, 2006

It's Time to Hit the Gin!

You probably come across this all the time. The dilemma of ‘what to do on the weekends’. For me, plans can be made, but plans always change. I can’t stick to a certain plan. Spontaneity always rears its beautiful head. It’s as if plans totally strap you in- not letting you back out. Sign on the dotted line, and if you don’t pull through with it, your integrity is at stake. It’s just like keeping a promise. Promises aren’t supposed to be broken. But what if our mood changes, and we feel like going bowling instead of the movies? Why not do both? What about going to the winery instead of heading out to the farm market? Dilemmas.

Anyone that knows me really well is certainly aware of my quick turn around decisions. They know that if they ask me on Monday to go out to a jazz club on Saturday, they also know that this may change at any given moment. My partner is used to it by now. She makes fun of me, and laughs when she comes home, expecting to go to restaurant A., when in fact, I changed the reservations and made it for restaurant B. I’m glad she’s flexible. I’m not sure why I do this, but I can assure you that during the course of the day, my moods fluctuate. If I’m in a spunky let’s dance kind of mood, I may want to venture off to a lively restaurant, where there’s entertainment and music, and head off to the local club to go dancing. It all depends. If I am in sort of a quiet mood, I love going to a nice tranquil upscale restaurant with a good wine list. It depends.

I’m always asking my partner, “What do you want to do tonight?” See, the thing is, she never wants to do what ‘she’ desires. She basically sacrifices. She always says, “I don’t care, what do you want to do?” I’m sure she has some sort of inkling of what she’d rather be doing, but she isn’t telling me. I hope that she would, because it would be a shame to take her out and having her be unhappy about it. I guess it isn’t too bad, since we have fun wherever we go. Even if the place is empty, we make the party…

My days are filled with indecisive thoughts; random acts of spontaneous moments that have me doing things I never planned on. Some say it’s a flaw in one’s character. I’m not sure about that. I think it definitely has something to do with having many interests—but not enough time to put it all into action.

The funniest thing to do is to watch me order a beverage at a restaurant—before knowing what I want to eat. For instance, I’ll be looking at the menu, and the waiter will come up to us and ask what we would like to drink. I always ask for water first, because if I have chicken, I may just want a beer, or white wine. If I have a pasta dish of some sort, I may want the red wine. If it’s steak that’s tempting me, a nice cabernet would do the trick. So many choices! If I’m craving some Chilean sea bass, I may just want a martini…or two…or three. I order my drinks according to what I like it to go with. Maybe I’m too picky.

I’m full of thoughts. My mind is always racing. Even my outfits have to match up to the places I go. If it’s a sport’s bar—I throw on a pair of faded out jeans and a nice top. If it’s a fancy restaurant, dress pants and a nice top and/or blazer with tank top. Depends. If I’m indecisive and go out not knowing where to go—I dress up. You can never go wrong by dressing up a bit too much. You can go anywhere. I would never walk into a fancy restaurant with a pair of jeans. It’s just not how I work.

Piles of clothes toppled over my bed. Different shoes sprawled out on my bedroom carpet. I have nothing to wear! I have no clothes! I scream this out of the closet I’m sitting in. It’s ironic that a lesbian is sitting ‘in’ the closet to begin with. But, these problems strike me minutes before I have to leave the house.

God forbid a pair of pants gets a little snug on me—I feel fat for the ENTIRE evening! If a shirt isn’t buttoning up too well, or as loose as I once wore it—my image of myself is awful. If you don’t feel good about yourself, people will notice that. But if you feel great about how you look, and you’re having a great hair day, people will be more drawn to your positive aura. It’s true. The better you feel about yourself, the better your attitude and mood is—leaving people to believe you’re a friendly and happy person. When you feel like crap, and think you look like crap, your demeanor is different. You’re not smiling as much, because you become shy and withdrawn, making people assume that you’re probably not as friendly, and don’t want to be bothered with socializing. It’s all psychology. (I should know, I’m on the receiving end of it!)
Sometimes it’s just plain ole PMS that strikes. During that time, you don’t even want to ask me what I want to do. I have no idea who I am for the love of God! I’m crampy, cranky, agitated, annoyed, hyper, turned on, turned off, exhausted and in pain. I can’t go out and have a few cocktails because I’m already tanked up with 800 mg of Motrin. I go through such excruciating pain, that I’m not able to even leave the house. Thankfully enough, I work from home, so it’s not that much of a problem. When I used to work in a 9-5 office, I’d have to take off a day or two each month! That’s a lot for a corporate company to be taking off that much. I’m in total hibernation mode when I’m menstruating. Forget about it- don’t call me, don’t come over and don’t ask me if you want to go out. It’s not happening.

Pick and finicky like a fricken cat. Everything has to depend on circumstances, moods, and levels of self-esteem for that day. Nothing’s constant and nothing’s written in stone. Things are planned, in hopes they stay that way. Sometimes it’s just pointless to even pass a thought my way, I’ll probably say yes. Give me a few hours though, because it’ll most likely be a different.

My moods are a force to be reckoned with. They change constantly as well. I get very upset very easily, over things that people wouldn’t even assume I’d get upset over. For example, I may be angry at my girlfriend for a particular something that she has no clue about. My mood is off, my demeanor is a bit quiet and reserved. I’m not saying much, or joking around like I normally do. I’m very abrupt, short-answered and usually not listening to a word she’s saying. My communications skills go right down the drain. My girlfriend has no clue what’s going on, other than ‘she’s just in a mood’. It usually has to do with something.

I take pride in my work, and I feel as though sometimes it’s not noticed as much. People go on and on about their life and their jobs, because it is important to them. For me, I feel my life and my work is all too insignificant to be ‘talked about’, or discussed. I’m always asked to be involved in whatever projects are at hand with my girlfriend or friends, yet, never once is there a plan to encourage me with my work or think up new strategies to make things better. Am I resentful? Naw, I just feel a bit sad about it. Maybe they think I got everything under control? Well, sometimes I do, but it would be nice for the people closest to me to come up with solutions or ideas, just as I do for them. Not that I expect the same treatment as I give others, but I do feel a bit sad about it all.

Sometimes the question gets thrown out there, “How was your day? Tell me all about your day.” As soon as I go into the first sentence, it’s cut off with the challenges of the day they had. I don’t mind listening and giving my two cents to people who really need it, but sometimes it would be nice if someone really asked how my day was…yet meant it.

It’s as redundant as someone asking you, “How are you?” It never gets answered, and if it does, they don’t truly want to hear it anyway.

Scenario:

Person A: “How are ya?”
Person B: “Hey, how are ya?”

They say the same thing back. They don’t want to be bothered. The entire meaning of “how are you” has changed into a ‘hello’. Interesting, right? It’s lack of interest on what people are up to…or how their wellness is. The insincerity is appalling sometimes. You might as well pass by and nod hello—don’t even say a word. Just walk by…and nod.

If you want to get really technical and knit picky, try the concept of saying “Good morning” on a Monday at your office. Let me tell you how many people say this term like a fricken robot!

Person A: “Good morning.”
Person B: “Morning…” *grumble grumble*

Then the people who really say good morning and really say ‘how are you’ and truly mean it---they’re the ones who we avoid. They’re annoying to us. We don’t want to be bothered. Go away with your happy-cheery self! It’s Monday for the love of God! Go home! Go back to your office! I haven’t had my coffee yet! Get!

Hopefully, you’ll all have a great weekend and think about what I said in this long ass post. You’ll think about ordering your dinner before your beverage, you’ll think about making that final choice either to go to the movies, or go bowling with your sweetie. You’ll ponder over the thought of either wearing that pretty blue dress, or throwing those old comfy jeans on. You’ll contemplate on whether or not someone’s “how are yous” are sincere, and if they really want to know about your wellbeing. Don’t overanalyze, just be observant, and watch the insincerity spew out.

Enjoy your weekend!

Friday, November 03, 2006

Are You Depressed?

Am I getting SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder), or am I just going through a funk? It’s been a while and I have my moments of being happy and jovial, to being tired and depressed. I guess it’s normal. When I’m in my good moods, I tend to throw down more vitamins, work out more and make sure everything is ultra clean…including having antibacterial gels handy at all times. When I’m a bit blue, the OCD kind of goes away. I’m no longer concerned with the possibilities of germs or phobias about certain idiosyncrasies that I have.

Damn infomercials with their redundant spews of poor advertising. “Are you run down and listless? Do the things you once enjoyed, no longer interest you anymore? Do you oversleep? Do you suffer from insomnia? Do you have thoughts of suicide? Have you been experiencing weight gain or weight loss? Do you cry a lot? Do you get muscle aches? Well, if you do, these may be signs of clinical depression.”

I mean, how many of us get a bit tired and run down from time to time? How many of us sometimes don’t enjoy our usual hobbies? Insomnia and too much sleep? That’s an oxymoron right there—just like weight gain and weight loss! So if I sleep too much…I’m depressed. If I have insomnia…I’m depressed as well. What’s the right amount of sleep then? Isn’t it different for everyone? If I eat less, I’m depressed… If I eat more, I’m depressed as well. It just doesn’t jive.

Then the ‘professionals’ want to jam a ton of meds down your throat for kickbacks. Great. Side affects include, nausea, diarrhea, weight loss, weight gain, thoughts of suicide, heart palpitations, increased heart rate, drowsiness, hypertension and possible death.

Give me depression any day! I mean seriously. One doctor wanted to give me a medication that had the Stephen Johnson’s Syndrome listed as one of the side affects. If none of you are familiar with the side affects of this disease, it usually causes blistering ulcerations of the cornea, mouth, rectum, genitalia, skin, and urethra, accompanied by a high fever and generalized weakness. TENS involves the entire skin and mucous membrane; the skin literally sloughs off of the person's body. ...Just lovely.

Give me a martini and make me laugh, will ya? I can’t go through this type of crap. These doctors are all drug dealers! They get these kickbacks for selling you a particular drug from a company that they’re affiliated with. Don’t buy into it. Really. These drugs are more dangerous than heroin!

The best thing that someone can do is force themselves to exercise. Go out there and just do it. (I’m doing this today- all tired and grumpy too!) Call a friend or two and make arrangements to go out for dinner and drinks. Trek over to your local book store, grab a Starbuck’s and read a good book. Rent a comedy. I know, for myself, when I’m feeling down, the best thing I could do is rent a stand up comedian DVD. It works every time. Laughter is the key to kicking depression in its ass!

Of course, I will say it, and you knew this was coming… PRAY! Really, it works. Pray sincerely and hard. Open up the bible and let it talk to you. Pray for happiness and also, pray for a huge belly laugh. It usually happens anytime I pray for that. God will never steer you wrong.

Sometimes people love the feel of pure adrenaline. They’re adrenaline junkies. Once that high is over, they’re depressed…much like myself right about now. I found this passage in a book that my friend Lisa gave me called, “Proverbs for Life for You”.

“Many people confuse happiness and joy. Happiness is a temporary feeling of pleasure or contentment that fluctuates according to your outward circumstances. Buying a new car, for example, may make you happy, but when it breaks down, you aren’t so happy anymore. The Bible speaks of a permanent feeling of pleasure or contentment that emanates from within and is based in a person’s relationship with God. The Bible refers to this as joy. It’s never changing because God is never changing. It’s one of the evidences of his presence in your life.”

It’s sad to think that happiness can be only temporary, but it’s so true. We think we have to be happy consistently. There are ups and downs to life. With God, there’s a constant flow of joy that happiness follows. For whatever religion you follow, studies show that there are more people content and happy with their lives, other than people who don’t believe in anything. Is it just the way our minds work? Or is it really the help of God? Anyone has the right to believe anything. So I’ll leave that up to you.

I guess I’m not only trying to encourage those who feel down today, but I’m also trying to encourage myself to get back into the ‘happy go lucky Deb’ I once was a few days ago. I know it’s temporary.

I’ve came across numerous bloggers who wrote that they felt depressed, but didn’t know why. I want to say that it may have something to do with SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder), which is basically a lack in vitamin D, which the sun gives off. During this time of the year, when it gets dark at 5pm now, people lack the sufficient amount of vitamin D to give them that ‘happy endorphin’. The best way to get this is either taking vitamin D supplements, or spending ten minutes in a tanning bed per day, which holds the same ultra violet rays as the sun does. Don’t overdo it of course, just get the needed quantity. It really does work. Some people even buy an ultra violet light that’s specially made for those who suffer from SAD. Do what works best for you. Even get outside more during your lunch break, so you can be exposed to the sun. The sun isn’t your enemy…it’s when you worship it…then it becomes a risk for skin cancer. Everything in moderation, right?

It may not be the case, you may not have SAD, I may not have it either, but it’s worth checking it out before we rush off to these pill pushers giving us deadly medicine for kickback purposes.

Overworked, underpaid, tired of waking up to wake up the kids to feed the kids to getting the kids on the bus to driving them to soccer to making sure that they’re well fed, to making sure the spouse is happy as well. Your boss sucks and you want a raise. He/she doesn’t value what you’re worth. You feel cheated. Life owes you everything and you put so much into it. Your significant other doesn’t understand you. You’re frustrated, irritated and angry, because you want to be understood and you want them to read your mind. Aren’t they mind readers anyway? Shouldn’t they know what we want? We want more sleep, we don’t have enough time. We have too much time, and we need less sleep. Your mother-in-law is a pain in the ass, but how do you tell her that in a tactful way? She calls 24/7 and you’re just about ready to pull every strand of hair out of your head. You’re in debt and can’t get your bills paid off in a timely manner. You have collection agencies harassing you while you eat your Swanson’s dinner—already angry that your other half didn’t take you out to a nice restaurant. You can’t write a check because you think it’ll bounce like a basketball. You gained a few pounds and just popped off the button on your new pair of pants—almost poking the eye out of the guy in the cubicle next to you. Alison’s complaining relentlessly about the $2.00 she has to donate for Sally in accounting because it’s her birthday, while you sit there and try to figure out how you’re going to pay off your mortgage before they foreclose on your house.

Hang in there, it gets worse. Might as well enjoy the ride and order yourself a Ketel One Martini…straight up!