Friday, November 11, 2005

Interracial Lesbianism

“But you’ll never have a good life if you’re gay, Deb.”
“Ma, how can you say that? There are lots of women that have high profile careers, and yet—they’re gay.”
“Yeah, but…no one’s going to accept you. What about when you two start living together, and then your neighbors find out? It’s going to be a hard life, just as if you were an interracial couple. They’ll stare and say things.”

At first, my mother couldn’t understand my lifestyle. She was scared. She was afraid that my life would be a complete dead end, if I lived with a woman. She wanted to accept me, but her generation looked down upon it. It wasn’t natural. Her dreams for me were quite simple. She wanted me to marry a rich man, and settle down in a huge house, raising kids and being a ‘homemaker’. It’s not that uncommon for my mother’s generation to think this way. They were raised to have this assumption about the gay community. As far as her comment regarding the interracial couples, my parents were raised in a time where people were very close-minded about interracial dating and homosexuality.

Now? I’m a lesbian, in an interracial relationship. Go figure...

“Yes, and everyone who wants to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will suffer persecution.” ~2 Timothy 3:12

My mother never said God wouldn’t love me if I was gay, however, she did make it clear to me that my partner and I would look much like a circus side show if we were to venture off and get a house together. How can I live with a man for just ‘money’? I’d rather be poor, living with someone I’m in love with. Will it be hard? Maybe. Does it have to? Of course not.

My mother has a whole different attitude with my relationship with Madelene today. She loves Madelene as if she were her own daughter. Madelene has now become part of the family. My three older sisters all get along with her, and my father just adores her…possibly more than me! They accept us now, which makes life a lot easier.

For quite some time, I had to hide the fact that I considered myself a Christian, due to my lifestyle. I thought I didn’t belong; I had no place worshipping God if I was gay. Back then, the overwhelming amount of guilt that filled my heart left me feeling cold and numb to anything that had to do with God, or my faith in religion at all. I had to be ‘perfect’ in order to be accepted by God. This means never to sin, right?

“And yet we Jewish Christians know that we become right with God, not by doing what the law commands, but by faith in Jesus Christ. So we have believed in Christ Jesus, that we may be accepted by God because of our faith in Christ—and not because we have obeyed the law. For no one will ever be saved by obeying the law.” ~Galatians 2:16

God knows we are all imperfect. So in my beliefs as a Christian, this saves me from any condemnation that some people may assume I will receive. More and more, I find such hypocrites living among us. You know the type- the ones that go to church every single Sunday—they never miss a beat. They sit in the front pews like clockwork, pray like a bunch of robots---without that ‘passion’. When they come home, it’s over and done with. They have done their job for the week as “Christians”. They no longer have to return to God, until the following Sunday. To me, this is an empty religion. There’s no relationship with God.

Even before I ‘came out’ as a lesbian, I felt so guilty for even having thoughts about being with another woman for my future. I thought I was going to hell. I always assumed, I must be a ‘bad person’, because I was gay. That’s what was instilled in my mind... The concept of homosexuality was an immoral lifestyle. Now I see, it’s promiscuity that is immoral—not merely loving another person.

“Well you need to ‘get right’ with God, then He will change you.” Pastor Griffon said.
“Change me?” I asked.
“He’ll find a special man for your life.”
“A man? Do I need to even marry? Does it say in the bible that ‘thou shall get married’?”
“No, but I can see that you want to be partnered up with someone, and living a gay lifestyle only leads to a dead end road. Remember, God loves the sinner, but hates the sin.”
“God hates???”

Isn’t God supposed to be ‘all loving’? Why would He hate His own creation if He made us?--Unless we turned against Him... In my beliefs, if we are ‘good people’ with good intentions, and we love God—yet have some imperfections & sin in our lives, don’t you think God will still accept us? If our own parents can accept us for the way we are, do you really think God’s incapable of doing the same thing? Whatever it is that you struggle with in your life—it’s all about ‘what’s in your heart’…

Madelene and I come from different backgrounds and cultures. To me, this is what makes our relationship even more interesting. I get to learn about her culture, as she gets to learn about mine. My parents realized that her culture wasn’t too far off from ours at all. Most Puerto Rican families are close-knit and come in large packs---as a lot of other cultures do. I come from a big Italian family. We are also close-knit, and we seem to live parallel to those who share the same family values. This is one of the many reasons why I love being with Madelene so much. Not only did I come into a large family by birth, but I have inherited another big and loving family as well. They all share the same beliefs as Christians too.

In the beginning, Madelene's mother had a hard time accepting the fact that she was now with another women. She even cried over this for a long period of time. It took a few years for her to warm up to me. Now, she is like my own mother. She treats me like one of her own children. She realizes, that I take care of Madelene, that I love her daughter with all my heart, as well as her family--as Madelene does the same for me. Sometimes we just get so caught up in 'judgmental mindsets'... Madelene's mom thought she did something wrong, just like my mother thought. Both of them, are wonderful mothers...so how can they even think this?

We’re so hard on ourselves. We think we’re not good enough, we think we don’t do enough, and we feel inadequate most of the time. Guess what? We are inadequate. Don’t take that as a negative term… What I mean is, God made us inadequate, because we are flawed at birth. If we were perfect, we wouldn’t need God. We would go on relying on our own understanding. How dangerous does that sound?

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will direct your paths.” ~Proverbs 3:5-6

Accept yourself more, and love yourself more…