Sunday, November 06, 2005

A Gallon of Beer and a Blind Date

Just when you think I was all done with my horrific dating stories...Here comes yet another one. Brace yourself, because it’s ugly. Keep in mind that when I first came out of the closet at the age of nineteen, I went temporarily insane; almost “Romey-like"...

It was the same ad in the newspaper; the one that the ‘toothless wonder’ responded to. Yes, I was brave, and I had faith that my princess would be greeting me with a full set of teeth, and without a rap sheet to boot.

An older lady responded to my personal ad. She was forty-four years old, and I was nineteen of course. She asked if I minded the age difference. I did, but I wanted to meet more people of the same lifestyle, so I met her intending on pure friendship. She sounded nice, with a great sense of humor. I actually looked forward to meeting her.

I waited in my car at the restaurant’s parking lot. We were planning to meet outside, so we can walk in together. I waited for another fifteen minutes. She was running late. The later it got, the more nervous I became. I started entertaining myself by watching the Mexican workers in the kitchen all congregate in the back of the restaurant for a smoke. They peered out at me, as if I were stalking them. I wasn’t. I was waiting for a woman twice my age for a blind date.

My date’s car pulls up. She parks near me. When she got out, I noticed she was definitely forty-four years old, as well as a bit short and stout. Her hair was red, with that ‘feathered back’ look. She wore jeans, with a big button up shirt that was way too big on her, and a pair of tennis sneakers. I on the other hand, wore a fitted pair of Levi's, a tight white blouse that revealed a lot of cleavage, and a pair of strappy opened toe sandals showing off my freshly done pedicure. We were definitely a mismatch, but I thought it was just about the ‘age difference’. What did I know? I was only nineteen.

“Hi, I’m Barb, nice to meet you!” She said, as she extended her right hand over.
“Hi, I’m Deb of course, nice meeting you too!” I responded, as I gave her a firm handshake, and to also analyze the way she shook my hand, to see if she was insecure or more 'strong-minded'. You can tell a lot by the way someone shakes your hand…believe me. She was very secure with herself, from what I could see at this point.

We headed into the bar & grill type restaurant. It was more of a burger joint. The host sat us down at a table, and we waited for our waitress.

“Well, I’m glad you could make it out on such short notice! I thought we were going to meet up next week or something—this is great!” Barb says, in this very outgoing raspy voice.
“Yeah, I figured why not—you know? It’s Friday, and I am definitely in need of a night out.”
We both chuckled and noticed the waitress getting her pad out, walking straight towards us.

“Hi ladies…Care for a drink before you order?”
“Hey Lynn! Sure, I’ll have the usual….”
Barb says in this ‘I’m a regular here’ type of tone.
“Umm, I’ll have a beer.” I said, not knowing what Barb just ordered. I needed a beer because I was a tad nervous sitting here with such an older woman. I kept thinking someone was going to see me with this lady. Who would I say she was? What if one of my mother’s friends came in here? What if I lied about who she was, would Barb get offended? My Argus-eyed nature started kicking in; it became obvious that I was getting paranoid at this point.

“You’re nervous.” Barb said in this low tone.
“No…Well, yeah. I don’t go out on dates that much, so you can say I’m nervous.” I said. Lying has now become a sport on this date. Great.

“Here ya go!” The waitress said, as she handed Barb the biggest mug of beer I have ever seen in my entire life. This was her usual? This beer must have held at least three liters of ale in it. I kid you not!
“And for you….” The waitress handed me a very small bottle of beer; so it seemed. My beer looked like a shot glass compared to what Barb was drinking. I was afraid she was going to drink herself into a stupor, and then I’d have to carry her out by myself.

Over dinner, our conversation was flowing. We were laughing so hard at one point, I thought they were going to kick us out. This lady was a comedian! She had my mascara dripping down to my cheeks. At this point, I started to think she was awesome---on a ‘friendship level’ only. I had no attraction towards her whatsoever, but I wanted her to be my ‘new gay friend’. I sincerely liked her.

Two fish tank-full beers for Barb, and two normal size bottles of beer for me, we decided to head out of the restaurant. I then had an idea. I was going to ask her to come with me later on that evening to my friend’s bar. It was only 7pm when we got out of the restaurant, so we had some time in between to go home, get ready, and head out. I wanted to go home and primp. She agreed to meet me.

“What about nine-o’clock across the street at the Holiday Inn—they have a lounge over there, and we can have a cocktail before heading over to Vinny’s Bar.” I suggested.
“Sounds great, Deb! I’ll see you then. I had a great time!”
“Me too!”
I said, as I headed back to my car.

Later on that evening, we both met up. I noticed that she got out of her car all disheveled. She staggered over to where I was, and she pinned me against my car. Her hair was messy, as if she just rolled out of bed, and her clothes were all mangled up and wrinkled. Her make up was all smeared, and her face shiny from the natural oils spewing out of her. It almost appeared as if she was sweating profusely.

“Ya knowwww Deeerbbbbieee, I-I-I’ve been thinkin’ aboW’ you ever since we lerrffftttt the restaurant…I like youuuu, a laRt!” She slurred to me, as her breath had an overwhelming scent of way too much beer. She probably didn’t stop drinking after she downed two gallons of ale two hours prior. She was tanked!
“Whyyyy deerrrnnnnt we just get a room here instead of a cocktail at the lounge?”
She suggested. She was half right. We shouldn’t go for ‘another cocktail’, but hell if I was going to get a room with this broad!
“No, Barb, that’s not a good idea. I just want to hang out and have a good evening with you. I’m not ready for anything like that.”
“Errrrr, Deeerbbbb, c’monnn now! How bout’ we do it in yerrr car?”
“Listen, Vinny’s is right down that road, let’s just go there and we’ll figure everything out.”
“Sure. I’ll follow you.”
She said.

I jumped back in my car and locked the doors immediately. I was scared at this point. Her breath gave me a buzz, and her speech was totally impaired, as well as every part of her being. I went to Vinny’s bar in the hopes of being saved. Vinny is an older guy who lives next to me. He has known me since I was born. A bit of a wild guy that he is- he's harmless, and would protect me at any cost. He knew I was gay…but all my friends who went to that bar, didn’t… Now, I’m bringing some middle-aged woman to ‘my bar’ for all my friends to see? A drunk one at that?

Barb and I walk in, and we stood at the end of the bar, to talk. I ordered a beer, and so did she. Good God-- this lady needs to order a coffee and get her butt into AA! I used to help out as a bartender there once in a while, so this was 'my domain'. I went inside the kitchen to put my coat and bag down, said hello to Vinny, and explained to him the horrible mess I was in.

“Vinny! You gotta help me. This lady is crazy and I need to get out of here as soon as possible. Get out there when you can, okay?”
“What’s wrong, Deb?”
“I went out on a date with a forty-four year old drunk woman, who almost raped me in the parking lot of the Holiday Inn!”
“What were you doing at the Holiday Inn?”
He said, laughing at my dilemma.
“Shut up! Just keep an eye on me, please.”

I head back out there, and she is all glassy-eyed and trying to balance herself up on the bar. God forbid she let go of the railing, she would go down, hard…

“Yerrr know Deeerrrbiee, yerrr soooo sexy. I wanted to kiss you since the first time I laid eyes on yerrrr…”
She said, as she backed me up in a corner due to her almost falling on top of me. There was a stool behind me, but we were both standing. She decided to put one foot on the stool, and one foot on the ground, leaving her to practically straddle me in the corner of the bar.

“Barb, listen, I’ll be right back! Stay here? Okay? Be right back!”
“Errrr, wherrrrrrrrr you goin’ girl?”
She said, as she tried so hard to maneuver her body to adjust the other way.
“Be right back!” I yelled out...rushing off in a panic.

9pm was approaching, and my friends should be there any minute. I was not ‘out’ to my friends just yet. They thought I was straight as a pin---"I was one of them". I headed into the kitchen, grabbed my cigarettes, as well as grabbed Vinny’s collar to ask,
“WHAT THE HELL IS TAKING YOU SO LONG??? SHE IS NUTS! HELP ME!!!” I said, shaking him up a tad.
“Okay, okay, listen, your friend Karen just walked in. I’ll have her pick you up in the back of the bar.”

I sat on the stoops behind the bar, smoking my cigarette, waiting for Karen to hurry the hell up. I was planning to ditch this deranged woman. This had to be the worse feeling in the world. Not only was I ditching this poor woman, but I was leaving her there---drunk. I felt really awful about it, but I felt my life was in danger if I did stay.

Karen’s car pulls up. I immediately jump into her old Buick, and we drove off to the nearest mini-mart, because she needed cigarettes.

“What the hell is going on?” Karen asked, as her long, beautiful legs struggled to fit inside the car. My friend Karen was a beautiful model-like twenty-three year old who worked in the same office with me. She dated men, and only men. She could get any man she wanted, but knew it. I didn’t care, I liked her, even though she had way too much ‘self love’.
“Karen some woman was coming on to me at the bar and scared the crap out of me.” I said, lying through my teeth about how it happened.

“Ewwww, Debbie! You mean---A LESBIAN???” She said, as she gasped with horror.

Okay, so this eliminated the fact that I would ever ‘come out’ to her due to that reaction.
“Yeah, it was totally sick…” I said, trying to act as straight as I can.
“Well, let’s wait here for a while, and then go back to the bar, I’m sure she’ll realize that you don’t want to have anything to do with her. Does she know you’re straight???”
“Errr, I don’t know…I just met her.”

I’m such a liar! At the age of nineteen, I have mastered not only escaping my enemy, but I became a professional liar. I didn’t want to lose my friends over a woman who was going to practically ‘out’ me at the bar, by attacking me. I needed to lie the best I could.

We drove back to the bar, to realize that she had left. I walked in, and Vinny comes up to Karen and me.
“What kind of date was that? I can’t believe you went out on a date with someone twice your age, Deb!”
“What???”
Karen screeched out.
“Don’t you think she was a little too old for you?” Vinny kept on and kept on with this.
“You were on a date with her??????????” Karen was now screaming this out, for all to hear.
“Someone set me up! It wasn’t like that! I never knew her, and never knew she was forty-four years old!” I tried explaining myself, but it kept sounding worse and worse…
“You’re gay?????????”
“YES KAREN, I’M GAY! Are you happy now???”


“Oh.” She said, in a disappointed, ~never gonna get manicures with my friend again~ kind of tone. Things weren’t going to change that way, I was just revealing who I truly was. It’s not like I was going to run off and get myself a pair of Timberland boots and a chain wallet, I was only being ‘me’.

Till this day, I wonder what happened to Barb. I feel bad, but I think this lady had a drinking problem, or she was very nervous about this evening...I'm just grateful I successfully got out of another bad date.