Friday, October 21, 2005

Are We There Yet?

“Twenty-five bottles of beer on the wall, twenty-five bottles of beer….knock one down, pass it around, twenty-five bottles of beer on the wall...are we there yet? Are we there yet?”
Driving down to Rehoboth Beach, DE for a much needed vacation, I should have put sails on top of my car. It was torrential downpours with side-swiping rain making the roads literally a raging river. Overturned tractor trailers, major traffic delays and ambulances rushing on the side of the highway passing through for emergencies made me feel very uneasy about this trip. It got to the point where we had to pull over at a rest stop because it was now zero visibility. It’s supposed to be a four hour trip, and we’re used to driving much more than that—so it wasn’t a big deal to make a pit stop.

“I have to go to the bathroom anyway, let’s go inside for a little while.” I said, as I parked my car.
“Want me to get you something to eat? You hungry Deb?”
“No, I don’t want anything on this trip for the sake of stopping again, but get yourself something if you’d like…I’ll be right back.”

Okay guys…are you sick of my bathroom stories or what? Yes, I am about to explain what’s inside

"THE LADIES ROOM”… What a horror!

I walk into the little foyer. The bathroom stalls were a mile long. There must have been a hundred of them. So many to pick from!

Door #1
*It was clearly obvious someone had urinated, yet didn’t use any napkins to clean up. Totally yellow water. I wasn’t about to flush out of courtesy. Why should I? There were ninety-nine toilets left to choose from.

Door #2
*This taught me a valuable lesson: Never eat at a rest stop’s Mexican pavilion. The look of refried beans is so not appealing.

Door #3
*Mama always taught me to put down those paper towel toilet seats so your butt doesn’t get marinated in someone else’s DNA…But she also told me to flush that down too. This person only learned half the lesson. I was not about to push that in the toilet myself. No courtesy calls on my part.

Door #4
*Why do I hear the music from psycho? I hear it loud, and I hear that music damn clear with this stall. Fecal matter was all over the seat, all over the walls, and for the love of God, the amount that was still in the bowl was enough to fill up the septic tank for one year.

No more doors. I’m not going to gross you out. I did slip into door number eighty, and it was alright. Leverage and balance was all part of the ‘don’t slip and get wet game’…I was pleasantly surprised to see that the soap was that hospital foam along with clean sinks and sufficient paper towels. My OCD was happy.

“Ready?” I asked, as Madelene was waiting outside the bathroom.
“Yeah, let’s go.”

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale,a tale of a fateful trip.
That started from upstate New York,
aboard this SUV.
The mate was a mighty sailin' gal,
and Maddy was brave and sure.
Two passengers set sail that day,
for a three hour tour, a three hour tour………
The weather started getting rough,
the SUV was tossed.
If not for the courage of the fearless crew,
the Explorer would be lost; the Explorer would be lost.

Ah, finally…our destination. We got there safe and sound. Now the only obstacle was to unpack. Ugh. My back was hurting from a previous injury, and the weather was turning me into a ninety year old arthritis-stricken witch from hell. Guess who did most of the hauling up four flights of stairs with luggage?

Oh shut up! I would have done it if it weren’t for my back!

We were greeted by two charming gay men who owned the guest house. Flamboyant and excited that we were staying for a full week, they were eager to point out all the hot spots of the area and where to go, and not to go. As one gentleman was pointing out sites on the map to Maddy, the more feminine guy was making it quite obvious he was taking notes on my appearance. He first started glancing at my hair, down to my jewelry, down to my manicured nails, and of course—what else? My shoes. What gay man doesn’t look at a nice pair of shoes? I didn’t think anything of it, it’s his house, and he’s just curious of what types of people are staying there. I’d do the same thing too.

Since we made it to the guest house sort of late, we ended up eating take out and relaxing that evening. The next morning, the sun was beaming through the crescent moon shaped window, and I started jumping on the bed like a little kid waiting for Mad to get up so we can go out and play. Mad took off her satin blindfolds and started laughing.

“Come on! It’s sunny and the weather channel says it’s going to be close to 80 degrees and sunny all week! Let’s have breakfast on the deck!”

I went downstairs to pick up the food and coffee, and I see a bunch of gay men talking amongst themselves, however looking over my way as well.
“Oh yeah, total Fran Drescher. Has anyone ever told you that before sweetie?”
“Uhh, yeah…a few times…”
I said, as I laughed over the nicknames my ex and I had. People used to call us Fran Drescher and Winona Rider.
“Well, sh*t—I wish I had her body!” I said, chuckling as I was pouring my coffee.
“Don’t we all hunnay, don’t we all…” The guy said, in this drag queen-like voice.
I gave them a huge “Fran laugh” as I walked back upstairs…then I heard them cackling like a bunch of wild hens in heat.

The rest of the vacation, I have to put in another post, because I haven’t yet developed my film yet. Yes…MY FILM! I forgot my digital camera! I had to use a pharmacy disposable camera. I will pick up my disc later so I can explain every single funny detail of this trip. Believe me, to much of my surprise, I have too much to blog about with this lovely vacation.

Did I have fun? I absolutely enjoyed myself immensely. Madelene and I laughed so much on this trip- it was all worth it. Photos are coming up either later tonight, or tomorrow. You gotta see some of these pictures. I hope they came out alright. I hate the fact that I forgot my digital camera.

To be continued…