Thursday, September 08, 2005

Your Mind vs. the Truth

Obsessive and controlling thought patterns can totally set your mind to make things appear more extreme than they really are. Have you ever experienced a major crush on someone? You finally have your first date with them, and to your surprise, you made them out to be this ‘celebrity’ of some sort, when they are actually just normal everyday people like you & me? I always wondered why the mind worked that way. We tend to put certain people on these pedestals that are so high, that we can’t even fathom the thought of being in their presence. No one should put any human on that level.

Okay. I’m placing you into a time machine. We’re going back eleven years. This was when I was first starting to see Madelene. We were dating here and there. I had just got out of a really stressful situation. I was dating my supervisor, who happened to be married. We fell for one another, and it came crumbling down. I was heart broken. I learned my lesson. It is true, they never leave their husbands or wives, no matter how miserable ‘they say’ they are.

It was one year since the day I had seen Lynn, (my ex or whatever you want to call her)… She invited me out for a drink, so we can catch up and possibly be friends. I was really nervous, because I did have lingering feelings in my heart for her. I was so afraid that it would all come to the surface. I remember talking with my oldest sister, Dawn. She said to me, “You’re making this more than what it is in your head Debbie. Remember, don’t put anyone that high up on a pedestal.”

How can I not? I was once head over heels for this woman. She made my heart palpitate, she drove me nuts, this woman had an affect on me that no one else ever had. How was I supposed to ‘not’ be nervous? Easier said than done. There were a lot of moments in our past relationship that were special, and there were a lot of moments where it was nothing but turmoil and chaos. I was the first woman she ever fell in love with—so she said to me once. I kept that tidbit in the back of my head. Kept telling myself, “Remember, I’m her first, she must be nervous to see me too.”

Our meeting was for 7pm at this place called Goodfella’s where I live. It was an Italian restaurant/bar type of place. I started getting ready. Each little ritual of mine, from putting make up to doing my hair took me double the time. I was in that bathroom for nearly two and a half hours. I am not exaggerating here. I had new clothes I bought for this occasion, I even lost a little weight, and I wore a very fitting top that was more revealing than I typically wore. I wore jeans, but I dressed it up nicely. I didn’t want to show up ‘too dressy’. I wanted to appear relaxed and calm, even though I was a wreck inside.

I came out of the bathroom—finally. It was literally a chemical warfare in that bathroom due to the perfumes, hair sprays and nail polish remover scents. It was enough to take down an entire village. The funny thing when you are all done getting ready, there's that second, third, fourth, and fifth time look in the mirror before you leave. It’s enough to drive you insane! It’s torture on your mind, because you are actually telling yourself, “Hmm, you may look like a bag of laundry, better change that top or fix your hair a certain way.” That would take me another hour or so before I leave. One more sprits of that perfume she loves so much.

I pack up my purse, making sure my compact powder is in there, (in case my nose starts shining up) and my lipstick is handy at all times. I keep that in a special pocket in my purse. Let me just say, normally I am not a ‘primper’ when I go out somewhere. Once I am done getting ready, there’s no fixing anything in the mirrors any longer, but this evening, it was different. This evening, drove me nuts. I was a walking nerve. Thoughts that consumed my mind like, “Oh wow, she’s going to think I look ugly, she’s going to think I gained weight, she’s going to even wonder why she even dated me or gave me a chance with her. I feel so ugly!”

Driving in my car, I put on the radio to get my mind off these obsessive thought patterns that were making me batty. I finally drive on the road that the bar and restaurant is on. I turn the radio down and peek at myself in the rear view mirror; hoping my mascara didn’t take a turn for the worst.

I pull up to the place, and I see Lynn standing in the front. “Hmm, her hair looks mighty high tonight.” I thought to myself, looking at her while I was trying to park the car. Thank God I didn’t hit the car next to me. I was trying to be calm and collective. I took my time getting out of the car, just to give her the extra ‘jitters’.
What’s this? She is smoking? Little Miss Healthfreak is smoking? She never smokes!” I said to myself. I was now actually talking to myself. This concerned me. I was going nuts. Keep in mind, Lynn is a very conservative looking, professional type of woman. She is very attractive, but she looks like one of those sexy librarians that have that potential to just let her hair down, throw her glasses off, and become Cindy Crawford for the rest of the evening. Yes, and that reminds me, Lynn was not wearing her usual glasses tonight. She was wearing contact lenses.

I walk out of my car, and towards the building, where she was waiting for me.
“Hey.”
“Hey.”
She says back.
No hug. No nothing. Just awkwardness.
“So? Wanna come in for a drink?” I said.
”Sure.” She says, as she drops her cigarette on the floor and smashes it with her three inch heel shoe.

THREE INCH HEELS? Lynn?? What the &@(%???? Okay… This is very interesting. I have never seen her in this type of ‘costume’ before. She was wearing ripped jeans (very tight) high heels that would be seen only in a strip club, a shirt so tight that you can actually determine if she was a little ‘cold’ or not. This was so out of character for her. Lynn’s hair was done up in a different way, almost ‘drag queen’ style big. Her make up---her make up—she was going to need a fricken shovel to get that first layer off later that evening when she goes home. Total different person. Or was she?

At that time, I used to be a smoker. We walked into the bar, and my friend who was the bartender, Freddy came up to us.
“Wow ladies, well don’t we look like city girls tonight.” He comments, as he throws us a coaster, indicating there was a drink in our future.
“And who do we have here Deb?” He asked.
“Oh Freddy, this is Lynn.”
“Hello Lynn.” He takes her hand, and kisses it. He had no clue we were 'together' once. He had no clue I was even gay.

We start talking about how we used to work together, and brought up funny events that took place. This seemed like the ‘ice-breaker’. As we were speaking, Lynn tried to light her cigarette in such an awkward way. She first put the cigarette down on the bar, and then went to light the match---to only pick the cigarette back up again into her mouth. She did this unsuccessfully. I watched her in amazement, realizing she wasn’t really a smoker. I took it upon myself to take my lighter and just help her out a bit. I think I embarrassed her, but it was so embarrassing watching her struggle with her newfound habit. Did she think she would make herself look sexier by smoking? I didn’t get it. Miss Healthnut!

“I didn’t know you smoked.” I said to her inquisitively.
“Well, a lot of things have changed since you haven’t seen me in a year.” She said in this weird type of 'black & white movie' type of way. (know what I mean???)
All she needed was one of those huge @ss filters on the end of her cigarette and some finger curls in her hair.
“I bet.” I said, as I chuckled and took a large gulp of my cabernet.
“I didn’t know you drink wine now.” She retaliates.
“Change is good, I guess...” I replied.
“You lost weight, you look good.” She said to me, as her eyes were latching onto me.
“Thank you. You look great yourself.”

Awkward. Period.

Is this the girl I used to be in love with? It felt as though there was so much anger on her part. Even though she rarely gave away any compliments, it was apparent she still had some resentment towards me for whatever reason. Wasn’t ‘she’ the married one? I broke it off with her, only because I realized that her relationship with her husband, was better than what she made it out to be. She gave me ‘hope’ that it wasn’t working out. She led me on big time, and I felt so guilty for even attempting to go out with a married woman. Was I just a guinea pig to her? An experiment? Did she need some sort of weird excitement in her life that she had to drag me into her mess? Then again, I made my own choices, and unfortunately, I chose poorly. Young and stupid; I can only chuck it up to that.

I have to say, after seeing her, I realized that I made myself incredibly nervous, for no reason. My mind made her out to be some sort of special human being. She was just “Lynn”. Although she put on some fa├žade, I saw right through that. I saw an insecure woman, who put on clothes that weren’t her style; I saw someone tried her best to impress me with things that were so unnecessary. I loved her the way she used to be. I didn’t like this ‘new person’ she tried to be.

My whole point of this story is, I tried to be friends with a love from my past. I wanted to make things work out, and try to establish a friendship that I once had with her. Her mind made me out to be something I wasn’t at all. She tortured herself by thinking she was going to be constantly nervous in front of me. I did the same, but realized that it was ‘all in my head’. I still wanted to be friends, but she was way too nervous to even speak to me.

Don’t let your mind take control over you. If you really want to have someone in your life, make them out to be for who they are, not what you ‘think’ they are. Till this day, I still think I could have had my best friend again, but her mind took over and it was just too much for her. It’s a shame, because I still feel she’s apart of me, and now a huge part of my past. I still think of her, and hope she’s doing well.

We’re all human.


I'm open, you're closed
Where I follow, you'll go
I worry I won't see your face
Light up again
Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find
You and I collide
I'm quiet you know
You make a frist impression
I've found I'm scared to know I'm always on your mind
Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
I somehow find
You and I collide ~Howie Day