Thursday, September 15, 2005

The Power of 'Two' (HGH update & more)

Going into my second week of this growth hormone, I have lost two pounds! Okay, so I’m not a supermodel yet, but it’s a start. I’ll let you know when I start taking laxatives and heroin for additional weight loss.

Two whole pounds. Hmm. I used to be one of those people sitting in the midst of overweight women, holding up a sign that said “2”, to indicate that was the number I lost for the week. Yes, I was in Weight Watcher’s thirteen years ago, when I was eight-teen years old.

The down side: I worked in a pizza shop as the delivery girl and sometimes even helped making the pizza. This was not a good atmosphere for me to be in. I used to date this guy who was the pizza maker. Watch out girls—I’m a real gold digger! Ron used to make fun of me, because after a real serious Weight Watcher meeting, I would go into work, and Ron (being a funny little man that he was) would hold up a small pizza box over his head that had the number zero on it.

“Big zero! That’s right! Zero!” He says, in his nasally voice of his. He started giggling and then ran over to hug me. He was hysterical, so you had to laugh. The man knew how to poke fun at the enemy, and yet make them laugh. Amazing.

I used to run in the kitchen for dinner and make myself a nice big salad. I could have had a slice of pizza; however, the way they made their pizza was alarming. They used to smear their pans with globs of lard—the old fashioned way. What year are we in??? I knew that if I just had “one” slice, it would cost me my whole point system, and I would have been going into my meeting holding up a sign that said +20!

Back to the HGH weight loss. I have been eating normally, which is my usual, chicken/fish/salad/oatmeal/egg white type of diet along with my occasional wine or beer. I’m hoping that it’s not just water weight that is fooling me here. That kills me.
“Well how do you get rid of water weight?”
“Oh, well drink more water so you can pee it out”
(Doesn’t this create more of a ‘balloon effect’? I never understood that.)
“Well if you’re going to have salt, drink lots of water.”
“Great! Now I can see if I can apply for that sumo wrestling position!”

Baffles me.

What a nightmare when I had to walk into GNC to see if I can purchase some sort of natural weight loss vitamin. I walk into the store, and they all know me. I had a dilemma when I started taking weird pills my personal trainer was giving me at the gym. He was giving me pre-testosterone pills that were basically STEROIDS! Hello? I know muscle burns fat, but let me at least burn it off first before I start bulking up like a beast here buddy! Not only did I discover a few more chins, but my neck was the size of a tree trunk. I needed to deflate, NOW. Anyway, I go into GNC, and walk up to the lady behind the counter. People, let me tell you, now I am not poking fun at her at all, but this lady behind the counter is 400+lbs----no lie. I wanted to ask someone which diet supplement would help me lose weight the natural way. How am I going to ask her that?

Err, umm… Yeah, I was wondering if you knew which natural supplement would help me lose weight…” I said, as a plucked away each cuticle.
“Oh! Sure! I know just the thing for you! Let me show you!” She said, all excited, as she struggled to lift herself off from the chair she was sitting on.
Oh my God, I feel so bad. How can I be so insensitive and ask this poor woman to help me find a weight loss remedy, when she hasn’t found one of her own? I feel like an evil woman right now. She must hate me.

She handed me a supplement and told me that it would work effectively and that it was all natural. The secret ingredient to this was ginseng and some sort of tree bark. Don’t ask. I took it. I thanked her many times as I was walking out. She is now my buddy when I walk inside there. She calls me ‘her little girl’. (I’m not so little) This makes me feel good though. See the psyche behind that?

Negative side effect to the HGH. I am experience dizzy spells. It started out as one every three days, so I just chucked it up to sinuses, but now it is happening more frequently. Maybe it’s from that unknown bump on my head that three doctors already saw? Doctors aren’t perfect, I can have some sort of ~thing~ going on and no one would even know! Could it be my sinuses? Vertigo? Cell phone related tumor? It is near my right ear. Or, can it be the result of a side effect from the HGH hormone spray? I don’t want to stop taking it, due to the wonderful other side effects; however, I don’t want to go to the gym, be running on the treadmill, to realize I’m being pulled out of there on a gurney heading off to the emergency room.

I can hear what you are saying already, so I will dialog our conversation.

You: “Well get it checked out by a doctor again.
Me: “Did that. Went to three. Next?"
You: “See another doctor.”
Me:My plan only covers three. Will you pay for the next doc?"
You: “Fine, be a jackass. Then stop taking the HGH.!”
Me: “No.”

Now here is the serious side of this all. My whole family, including my friends think I’m a hypochondriac. I am in a lot of ways. Now, I have this bump the size of a golf ball behind my head. Doctors have seen it, felt it, manipulated it, (I feel violated now)… Madelene has felt it, acknowledged that ‘yes’ there is a bump there. Everyone feels this awful growth on my head. No one takes me seriously though.

Rachel Bertoni, who I help out at the gallery down in Sugar Loaf, NY explained to me how someone she knew had the same thing. It got to a point where they had to shave her head to take biopsies and discovered that it was fatal. The lady died.

I’m thinking about making out my will. Madelene will be very rich due to my life insurance, but everyone else will be stuck with my computerized gadgets and music equipment.

My prized possession. My Takamine guitar. Can’t live without it. Madelene better start taking lessons, because I don’t want this guitar mounted up against some wall for show.

Okay, morbid request...

My Funeral: The people who attend this event will most likely wear black or dark colors, however, I do want them to show a little red if they can. Red’s my favorite color, so if you can display an article of clothing to show you are wearing red, this will make me happy and I will never haunt you.

Funeral Festivities: I want a band, I want music, I want dancing, I want lots of food and lots of spirits...(besides my newfound friends on the ~other side~) Get drunk. Have a ball. I will be amongst you all having a great time before I head into the ~light~. This would make me happy.

Also, on my tombstone, I want the words, “I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK!” engraved for all to see. No one ever believes that my ‘so called’ sicknesses are real. They claim it’s ‘all in my head.’ Tell it to my stone! I’m going to place a picture on the tombstone pointing to the lump on my head. “TOLD YOU SO!” That's it. If I see a wolf, I promise not to cry to you about it. (FYI--This is directed mostly to my family members)

This day is starting off on a positive note, huh? I’m signing off. Don’t send flowers yet—I’ll update you on this blog. If you don’t hear from me on this blog…it definitely has something to do with this lump.

END OF RANT