Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Do Open Relationships Leave Opened Wounds?

“I never knew Deb—you just don’t look like a lesbian.”
“What does a lesbian look like?”
I ask, even though I already knew Diane’s stereotypical assumption of what a lesbian ‘should’ look like.
“You know—more masculine features, more tomboyish, and just rough around the edges.”
“This is what you go by?
I asked, chuckling at how many people she has missed on her way to Naïveville.
“You and your girlfriend are really pretty and feminine.”
“Well, thank you.”
“I could definitely see myself experiencing my first with someone like you. I’m so curious, I find women to be so sensual and sexy.”
She says, as she gleams at me with her big green eyes.

I knew where this was heading. To even entertain the thought of being her guinea pig for a one night experiment was inconceivable. The fact that she knew I was committed to Madelene somehow made me lose all respect for her. I felt as though she disrespected my relationship; as if it was make believe, or playing house. Diane lived with her boyfriend Pete, who happens to be a very nice man. I wonder if he even had a clue as to what Diane’s thoughts were regarding being with another woman.

One evening, we all decided to go out. Madelene and I told Diane and Pete to come in our car, due to the icy conditions. We had front wheel drive back then, and thought it was much safer than driving around in their Mustang. We pulled up to their condominium, and honked the horn. Both of them came out looking like a million bucks. We enjoyed going out with this couple because they were a lot of fun to be around, and we were all very close friends.

We pulled up to this café & cocktail lounge, and headed for the bar. The café we went to was a mixed bag. There were gays, straights, bisexuals, transgender, you name it. It was so fascinating watching all the unique people having a great time in this small quaint venue. They always had live entertainment, which brought in a huge crowd. We were lucky enough to be entertained by a reggae band that evening.

A few hours passed, a few drinks thrown back, and we were all dancing. Diane was a former go-go dancer, so her moves were quite seductive. Pete was doing his little head bopping motions, trying to get the rhythm down pat. I hear Pete say something in my ear, but I couldn’t quite make out what was being said to me.

“So, what do you think about all four of us getting a hotel?”
“What? I can’t hear you—the music is too loud!”
I screamed back at him.
“What do you think about all four of us getting a hotel, Deb?” He repeats.
“Oh, I’m fine to drive, thank you for being so thoughtful, Pete!” I replied, putting my arm around him in a friendly manner.
“Deb—no, that’s not what I meant. Would you and your girlfriend consider being with us intimately?”
At that moment, I heard him loud and clearly. My expectations of “Pete’s such a gentleman” went straight down the drain. I was so disappointed that he asked me this horrific question. I really liked him. I wonder if Diane knew about this.

“Awe, thank you—I’m flattered, I really am, but Madelene and I are monogamous.” I said, trying to defuse any feelings of rejection on his part.
“No, that’s cool Deb, I totally respect that. I just wanted to ask.” He said, and then left it alone.

Fine. Done.

Wrong.

As we were all on the dance floor having a good time, Diane and Pete sandwiched us; making us feel really weird. Their moves were a bit too much, and we knew that this party needed to end now. He totally disrespected my answer, was now is gyrating up against my backside. Contemplating whether or not I should kick up my leg and crush his nuts, was a more than satisfying thought, but I refrained. I noticed Diane doing the same thing to Madelene. Madelene and I both looked at one another in shock and motioned our heads indicating, “Let’s move over to the bar.”

“So, what do you think? I bet you two would be a blast in bed!” Diane comes over and blurts out really loudly.
“Thanks Diane for considering us candidates in your love fest, but we’ll have to pass.”
“Well f*ck you b*tch!”
She yells out, having the whole café hear these words spew out of her possessed demon-like mouth.
“Diane! Calm down! We’re just not into that scene.” Madelene says, in a calming tone.
“Well, Debbie cheats on you anyway! She looks at me like she wants me. She’s not loyal to you. She’s a whore!”
“Diane! Stop! You had too much to drink, just leave it alone!”
Pete says, trying to get her to calm down.

At this point, I was ready to leave. I wanted to go home and drop them off. We were an hour away from our town and it was below zero outside. God knows why we even decided to drive that far on a night like that, but we were young and stupid.

“Come on, let’s just go home now.” I suggested.
“Sounds good Debbie, I’m so sorry for my girlfriend acting up like that, I really am.”
“That’s okay, Pete. Alcohol can do that sometimes.” I said, chuckling to make him feel a little better.

“WHAT THE F*CK ARE YOU TWO TALKING ABOUT? I’M NOT GOING HOME!” Diane shouts, in a drunken state of delirium.
“Please stop Diane, I just want to go home, stop, please.” Pete begged her.
“She’s nothing but a whore! You’re a b*tch Debbie! I can have any girl I want! It’s your loss!”

I decided not to say a word. We started to make our way and slide over to our car. The parking lot was a complete sheet of ice. I don’t know how we even made it there. The night got colder, and so did Diane’s mood. We started to pile in the car. I revved the engine a bit more, so the heat would kick in. Pete and Diane were sitting in the backseat arguing. Diane was now cursing off Pete at this point, being irrational and nutty.

“You’re an @sshole too for evening siding with them! She’s a b*tch Pete! A b*tch!”

Now at this point, she is in “my” car, and now my blood was starting to boil. It was below zero, the roads were very icy, and I was not about to drive in these conditions listening to her curse at me the entire time. I made a conscious decision that evening.

“Get out!”
“Huh?”
Diane had a wake up call.
“Get out of my car, now!” I said, staring at her from the driver’s seat.
“It’s below zero!” She pleads.
“I don’t give a rat’s @ss, Pete can stay if he wants, but you have to get out now!”
“Please Diane, don’t do this, please just tell her your sorry.”
Pete begs her.
“FINE!”

Diane bolts out of the car, and back into the club. Pete sat there in shock.
“I am so incredibly sorry for this evening guys.” Pete says, in a sincere voice.
“Pete, I really feel bad for you. I would gladly drive you home, but I cannot have her in my car like that. I hate the fact that I am leaving you two in this type of weather, but maybe you should just call a cab or a friend. If you want me to take you home, I will. I just can’t have her in this car.”
“I understand, please forgive me for all of this.”
He says, as he struggles out of the back seat to make his way back in the club.

I sat in the car for a while with Madelene.
“I hate leaving them here, I really do.”
“I know you do, but she was really acting up Deb…”
“I’ll be right back, let me see if I can at least try to calm her down so I can drive the both of them home. I’m doing this for Pete’s sake.”
(no pun)

I walk into the club, trying to push through the crowd. I saw Pete, but he looked sad. I bypassed him and went straight for the bar, where Diane was. I went to go touch her shoulder.
“Hey, listen, let’s be friends again, and let me drive you home.”
“F*ck off!!!”

She turns around and starts making out with this tall Haitian man. No wonder Pete looked sad. Did he approve of this ‘open relationship’? Or did he only approve when it was Diane pursuing another woman? I never understood open relationships. I don’t condemn them, I just never understood the concept and how people dealt with them on an emotional level. Does an open relationship mean, only the woman can be intimate with another woman? Or did it imply that all sexes can be involved? Did anyone get jealous? I’ve heard people say that it’s more of a trust factor. Okay fine. However, I once knew a couple who had an open relationship. The husband let his wife go off with numerous women. She was bisexual.

What happened?

She left him, for the other woman. They are still together till this day. The husband had no inclination that something like this could happen. It ended in divorce. If they had so much trust, so much love, why did this happen? Truth remains; you will always have some sort of risk being in an open relationship. I know this can be debated, but in “my opinion”, when you throw more people in the mix, you end up with competition. Why add confusion to an already complicated relationship? That’s what I wanted to know, regarding Pete and Diane’s relationship.

On the other hand, I know straight women who feel that being with another woman intimately is technically ‘not cheating’ on your boyfriend or husband. How can they even think this? It’s still sharing intimate moments with someone other than your lover. Would it be okay if their boyfriend or husband were to have sex with another man?

Amazing.

12 comments:

FigEqualsGood said...

I did not know if that was for real or not! The first half of it sounded like one of the Penthouse letters but then it got all crazy! What happened to the crazy couple?

piu piu said...

that is gross. people are so werd- do they think just cos ur a lesbian ur more 'experimental' or something? u did the right thing. i wudnt be friends with loonies like that! and if anyone asks me and p for a share in our love life they can fuck right off!

so wot happened to the loonies?

~Deb said...

Hardly a Penthouse letter (haha!) and Piu, the fact that you wouldn't share your man means that you really do love him (in my opinion.)

Those people, I chose never to speak to again--just because of that awkward moment. I did see them out one night at a bar, and I went up to the girl, Diane, and she hugged me apologizing numerous times. I accepted her apology, but I never hung out with her again. I seriously think the alcohol turned her into a raging nympho-beast!

Thanks for your comments on this ~almost xxx post~ !

the Bleu Dog said...

Open relationships are just people who want their cake and eat it too. There is no true committment there. It is nothing but a fear of spending your life with one person for the rest of your life. It is the knowledge that knowing when one of you fucks up it's ok because it's open. Let's face it....it's easier than having to make up and compromise and actually try to make things work. Open relationships are for pu$$ies that don't want to do the "work" of having a true relationship. Whe you love someone, you never want to see them leave. You don't even want to think about it! In an open relationship that thought doesn't even matter. How can you feel that way about somebody and then pretend you fell that way about somebody else.

I guess it all boils down to this....
How intimate is sex for you. There is a scale
1-The lowest. It is nothing but a way for me to get my rocks off. We are mammals and we were put on this earth, and given genetlia to use it with whomever we want.

10- The highest. Sex is an intimate action committed between two people who love each other. It is the ultimate expression of emotion between you and your partner.

There is grey in between but to me, open relationships are for the "1"'s

~Deb said...

VERY well put! Couldn't have said it better myself!

the Bleu Dog said...

I am wise beyond my years.

I've been told I am an old sole on it's final journey through life. Maybe in my last life I was a swinger baby!!!!! Yeah!!!!


TYPOY!!!!!

Tara-raboomdeay said...

Madelene & yourself handled this situation very well. How awful that your "friends" thought they could use you like that. Did they think, "Deb & Mad are gay. Gay people will do anything". How disrespectful!

One good thing you can say about this couple. They both wanted "play". One wasn't looking to cheat on the other.

Years ago I went to a party at a friend's place. This guy started talking to me. I got a weird vibe from him. He wasn't paying attention to anything I was saying. I wondered why he came over to me. The next I knew he was propositioning me & wanted to have oral sex. I respectfully passed on his generous offer.

I asked my friend about him. He was married with a baby on the way. His wife was out of town. WOW! I felt so sorry for his wife.

It makes you wonder which is worse, an open relationship or a half-open one. I wouldn't want either!

Kris said...

wow... Oh well, doesn't matter... I guess. I think people with intimacy problems get into open relationships. I've been in them, but after a while I just felt so empty, so I ended the nothing.

Cherry said...

Deb, that is really sad. That is too bad your friends had the nerve to ask you guys stuff like that. I mean that is an INSTANT end to a friendship to me.

You were completely right in not wanting to drive her home. You do not have to stand for abuse like that.

Anocsanamun said...

Thanx for the comment on my blog. Your paint a very vivid picture in your writing. It was quite breathtaking in fact. Your friend is an A$$HOLE, but of course you know this. There is this strange thing in our society. Lesbian and Gay means Group Sex. I don't know when this happened, but every "straight" couple believe it, and every curious girl wants to.

I am sorry that you and your girlfriend went through this. It's really sad.

Croaker said...

Interesting post Deb. And Blue Dog makes a good point.

Net's word said...

Deb - wow!!! what an experience - you handled it sooo well. When people (your ex-friend) don't respect themselves,they sure as h_ll don't respect anyone else - as she demonstrated clearly, and I agree with you about the alchol factor too - I am in a straight committed relationship in my life now - and am thankful that I evolved enough in my growth to experience this level of caring - as for hetro or bi or ? - It matters only that we Love - it is love we want to explore and grow with - the rest of it (judgements, fears, denial etc) puts a barrier between us and our truth. Your ex-friends were not looking for love!! Thanks for sharing so elequently your experience that evening - lots of food for thought!!! Good job.