Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Prepare to Look Your Best

Just when you thought it got bad, it gets worse. 2pm in the afternoon, I rush over to the gym in this stifling heat. Already sweating before I reach the doors, I enter into a brisk refrigerator-like room full of women speed ellipticalin’ like a bunch of psychos on crack. I swipe my membership card and head for the bathroom. I make my way down the gym into the weight area. All the men are all buff and muscular, growling at themselves in the mirror like a bunch of lunatics. It is necessary to scream like a banshee while lifting weights? It’s hysterical to see the skinny guys do it.

Heading into the bathroom now, I can’t help to notice how wet the sink is. My mind keeps screaming, “GERMS! GERMS!” I start my ‘cleaning regimen’ before I head out to touch those grimy machines. I always make it a habit to notice if the person using the machine before me wipes down the handles and seat before I start using it. If I don’t get a chance to see them wipe it down, of course I do it myself. If I was brave enough, I would wear rubber surgical gloves like an OCD freak.

I always wondered what the workout etiquette was when someone get on a cardio machine next to you while there are many left over on the other side. Do you say hello to them? Do you make small chat? I always feel the need to turn the volume down on my I-Pod as they get on the machine next to me—just in case they say something. The one thing that annoys me (which is quite polite of these people) is when someone takes the remote control for one of the televisions and asks you, “Are you watching this?” Better yet---they sign language it. It never fails, you take the earplugs out and say, “Oh, no, I’m okay—thanks!” White earplugs = I-Pod or musical device. Can’t these people tell if your plugged into the cardio theater? Puzzles me.

Okay back to my germ mania. After a good work out, there’s nothing like laying down in the tanning bed to get a little color. First of all, let me tell you- I am such a poor excuse of an Italian. I don’t tan. I burn; much like a lobster. So my fifteen minutes of basking in that enclosed coffin, is basically frying my @ss. My milky skin can't take much ultra-vioilet rays. I feel like a female version of "Powder"...

Tanning bed drill:

1.) Make sure you disinfect the entire glass of the tanning bed. Douse that sucker up with the cleaning solution that they provide you with—even the top glass as well! Do you know how many germs are partying in there? Ugh! The thought!

2.) Always remember to wash that pleather pillow. It’s a sponge for bacteria.

3.) Always keep your hair up, so that most of it is not touching the bed or pillow.

4.) Clean clean clean that tanning bed off for the next person.

5.) When you get in the locker room or home---WASH your hair, and scrub your body down. Even though you cleaned that tanning bed- ew, you know my thoughts.

If you fail to do these tips- I promise you that a cold will come on within a week! It always happens to me. No I am not freaking out, it’s true.

Now tanning a few times to look good for an event it a good idea. Tanning consistently is another thing. You end up looking like a big fat carrot. I’m telling you- I learned the hard way. My skin literally turned orange. My teeth lit up like a Christmas tree. The Crest White Strips didn’t help much either---I was literally glowing. People kept asking me, “You’re teeth are so white.” No damn it! My skin is so orange! People will notice this orange hue that you emit. It sometimes looks like a bad case of make up application. I don’t know which one is worse.

Now another reason for going into the tanning bed heavens was to get my source of vitamin D in the winter. They say that you get your vitamin D through ultra violet rays- ie: the sun and the tanning bed. Some people go through seasonal depression due to not being outside as much in the winter. Vitamin D is also found in milk as well, but I’d rather sit and relax in a tanning bed to get mine.

Everything in moderation, right? Sometimes we overdo things and sometimes we just don’t do enough of one thing. There’s never a happy medium. The mere thought of running in place just to go nowhere, stationary cycling without traveling an inch---and stepping on stairs…to nowhere! Has the modern world forced us to avoid the outdoor activities, which were so much fun back then, to a room full of stationary machines that only do one purpose—exercise without the enjoyment of an activity?

What are your thoughts? Do you enjoy working out better outside? Or do you prefer working out in a gym? What motivates you to exercise? Is the sun better than a tanning bed? Or is lying down on a glass bed much more enjoyable than sitting on a nice lounge near a pool getting the same results?

Sad, huh?