Monday, August 01, 2005

Playing Detective

I know ladies in uniform may sound appealing to you; however this chapter deals with another type of detective. In a relationship between two women, sometimes there could be one person in that relationship who is very insecure and at times, extremely controlling. This all has to do with insecurity issues, fear of abandonment issues as well as other underlying emotional factors that go hand-in-hand. The ingredients that make up a control freak will include-- possessiveness, ability and desire to look through their partner’s belongings, checking recent calls made and recent calls received on their cell phone, going through personal belongings as well as trying to keep up with their partner’s whereabouts. The control freak will usually make up decisions for their partner, like where they are going, when they are going, who they should be friends with as well as keeping their partner from having friends at all. It can get to the point of the woman being obsessed with checking in on her partner’s life.

There are times where they tap into e-mail addresses, look for things on their computer, and check their cookies in their computer system, also trying to see what sites they log onto. Think about it---it takes a lot of time and effort to go out of your way to merely check on another’s whereabouts, or check their e-mail, and even their cell phone to make sure that they are not cheating on you. So much negative energy is wasted in doing this. I remember, because I used to be like this... The funny thing about this is, usually there is nothing to worry about, so that person literally makes them physically ill over the whole process of ‘playing detective’. If there is no trust in the relationship, then why are you with them? You have to ask yourself that question if ‘you’ are the one playing detective. The majority of these people, who want to control their mates so badly, end up losing them all together. The stronger grip you have of your partner, the more they want to squirm out of that and be ‘free’. Your partner is not your pet. She is not a muppet on strings that needs to be told what to do, where to go, or who she can speak to. Your partner should be considered and treated as ‘your best friend’… What do best friends do? They communicate, they laugh together, they talk for long hours, they go out to dinner, and they love one another and would do anything-- anytime for each other… Best friends keep secrets; best friends accept one another and all of their flaws. Now if you can incorporate being lovers aside from being best friends, then you have it all.

Your best friend should be trusted. Why would she want to betray you? Why would she ever want to leave you? After all, you’re her best friend. If you only treat your partner as ‘a lover’---that’s when things go astray and start fizzling out. Being lovers is a magnificent thing. If you don’t have friendship for the base of that relationship, don’t rely on that bond to last very long. You will have the passion, the sparks and the zing zam zoom, but you won’t have the ability to make it a lasting, loving and fulfilling relationship. The red flags that you need to look out for are evident sometimes. One alarming factor is when one party decides to put down their partner. This can range from anything to putting down her appearance, making her feel unworthy, telling her she needs to improve herself, making statements such as weight—either over or under---or just unattractive, making remarks about anything that would make them feel insecure about who they are as a person. This type of behavior determines how the person wants to keep her partner ‘under her thumb’ so to speak; leaving her feeling as though she cannot find a better partner, making her want to stay in that relationship. Women go to drastic measures to try and keep their partner to ‘stay put’. Are we dogs? Don’t we have minds and hearts of our own where we would choose to be in that relationship? When you see partner with a long, gray trench coat, a magnifying glass and a detective hat, beware.

What about in social settings? Do you sense that eyes are being darted at you, staring at your every move, studying your behavior and where your eyes are landing? If you can notice this, don’t you think that others around you will pick this up as well? Of course they will. They get that ‘psycho’ look, almost crossing their eyes-- if by chance they feel you are looking a bit too long at someone you are speaking with. They become real quiet, observant, as if they are studying you like a bug. Where does this lead? It leads into a ripple effect of friends avoiding you and your girlfriend all together. They feel awkward talking to you while your significant other is standing by…watching…lurking…checking for any hidden innuendos that may be initiated. This makes anyone feel uncomfortable in this situation. It makes the other person talking to you feel bad about conversing with you for more than one minute. God forbid it’s a ‘bad’ night, you’ll hear it later on, when you are home away from your friends. Accusations being made about how long you stared into “Linda’s” eyes, or how close you and “Sylvia” were standing, or why “Josie” was complimenting you way too much on your outfit. They look for deeper meanings out of pure and innocent compliments. It’s as though they are trying too hard to catch you in the act of something that you are not aware of. It’s more of a sickness and a huge insecurity problem that needs to be addressed to a professional. Soon enough, you will start making excuses just to spend time with your friends, without your lover. That is sad all together, because your lover is someone you want to spend time with, someone who you can bring out and socialize with. Their detective hats are always on 24/7, and will not be taken off anytime soon, if she doesn’t get help. The obsessive thought patterns come rushing into their little heads leaving them to assume more bazaar myths about what you may be doing. God forbid if you are caught in a tiny white lie, it is the worse deceit they have ever known, and you are not forgiven, you are a liar, a cheater, a ‘betrayer’. For that one little white lie will make you look as though you just had an incredible sexual encounter with her sister or best friend---that’s how bad she will perceive this in her mind. Holding someone to tightly is a sure way to lose them.

I remember a story that my girlfriend told me. It was when she was a small child, and her parents had taken her to this petting zoo. She went over to the baby chicks and wanted to hold one of them. As she held the cute little baby chick, she gripped the little guy too tightly, leaving him to suffocate and die. She was holding him tightly because she thought the chick was so adorable and fell in love with him! The same is true for when you hold your partner too tightly, she will feel the pressure of your grip, leaving her to squirm out of your strong hold, or eventually dying spiritually. Two people in a union should have separate lives as individuals. They both posses different characters and traits that are unique. When they come together, it makes the union that much special and gratifying. Why do we have a hard time letting our mates be themselves? Why can’t they live a life that is all their own; yet share what they choose with us? Have we become that insecure that we are unable to let our partners fly? If we clip their wings and hold them down, most likely they will only end up resenting us, feeling depressed and full of anger. Your partner should be looked at as a beautiful exotic bird. Let her colors shine as she flies in the deep blue skies. Let her soar through the fields of friendship, family and love, and when she has trouble keeping her flight; make sure she knows you are there to lift her back up. If you do, she will always fly back to you, knowing where ‘home’ is.

2 comments:

Kim Plaintive said...

Very well put. I've been on both sides of the detective's magnifying glass. I started as the detective myself, constantly stalking the whereabouts of my high school sweetheart and jealously regarding "suspicious" friends. Years later, I was the recipient of the same treatment -- and only then did I understand why the first one struggled so hard to fly away.

~Deb said...

Yep...we all learn from our past. I believe it makes us better partners for the future when we go through those learning processes.