Friday, August 12, 2005

Monogomy/Polygamy--Let's Call the Whole Thing Off!

Being single and playing the field can be a fun experience and also an eye-opening adventure. There are no ties, no strings, and no commitments to be made, unless one decides to do so. In my opinion, I think it is a good idea for someone in their early twenties to experience this ‘dating frenzy’ and get their feet wet, so they know what’s out there. Well enough to have it out of their system, so that they will appreciate the art of monogamy. I get a bit nervous due to my situation. My partner of eleven years has never been with another woman…(so she says…) However, I feel as though it would have been wise for her to do so, only because she would have seen ‘what’s out there’ and experienced all and decided, “Hey, this is the one!” She does reiterate to me the fact that she does not want to be with anyone else and her love is genuine, which I also believe too, but I also tend to think about the ‘what ifs’ if she did play the field before dating me.

I think of it like this… Let’s say that one night you order in chicken parmesan from your favorite Italian restaurant. You even have leftovers for the left day. The next night, you think to yourself, “Hmm, I think I’ll order the chicken parmesan for dinner again tonight.” This trickles into the next few days. The thing here is, you haven’t tried any other dish on their menu. The questions remains, do you think that the chicken parmesan is the only dish that is ‘good for you’? Do you think that another dish would be better? Would the chicken marcela sweep you off your feet, having you leave the chicken parmesan still under the heating lamps? I guess it is different for each individual, but that’s the way I put it into perspective in my life. I have been with a few women where I am very pleased and happy with my final selection… (Unless a new dish I haven’t heard of comes crashing through the kitchen doors!) In all seriousness, I think if you keep ordering that chicken parmesan, you’ll never know if you’ll like the other dishes. Call me a “dog” if you will, but I only speak my mind, and the truth of my opinion. I’m not saying go out and sleep with every Sue, Jane & Diane, I’m just saying, leave your options open if you are single right now. I’m a firm believer in falling in love with the person-- before she even knows you are in love with her --- meaning, your love was always there for her, making the future-- or I should say, potential relationship all the more better. I hope that makes sense. Mutual love is always a good idea to look for; you don’t want a one-sided love. That’s never a good feeling when being involved with someone you care about.

New relationships always start awkward, don’t they? It’s all a big learning experience and trying to get to know the other person better. The first year can be very rocky. You expect one thing, yet you get another at times. You’ll find this especially true in those ‘quick-started’ relationships where the two people just meet and already have the sofas picked out. Their expectations may be a bit too high for their new partner, and may cause some frequent quarrelling.

What about those relationships where it’s that explosive, ‘can’t get enough of her’—yet I want to pull my hair out—type of situation? These are what I call ‘stormy relationships’. When the two are in love and happy, everything is ‘hunky dory’ ---nothing can come between these two. They are attached to the hip-- when you see one, you see the other; the two cannot be away from each other. They look like the happiest couple alive. Always hugging & kissing, holding hands, giving one another goofy looks, and the long stares that they give while they are talking to one another. Sounds so nice, doesn’t it? Let’s take a look on the other side of this ‘wall’.
When they fight, it is brutal! The storm is fierce with lightening that would knock any tree out of its roots. At times there can be verbal attacks, as well as physical in some (which is never good)… The relationship will be on and off constantly. The break ups get so frequent, as well as the ‘make ups’. At some point, they even break up, just to make up. You can’t beat make up sex! The trick here is, having that making up feeling last well throughout the relationship. It’s a constant battle to try to keep these two from breaking up, and then in a few weeks, back together again. It’s a vicious cycle that is almost like an addiction to these couples. I have been through this cycle of doom, and came to a conclusion regarding this type of madness…
I’d rather be safe, comfortable with the woman I love, being monogamous & not having to deal with the emotional havoc of an unhealthy relationship or affair.

I have been through those storms and it’s such a relief to be in a safe shelter now. I know at times we find those storms to be ‘exciting’ and adventurous, but those storms can bring in not only emotional harm, but physical harm to your body as well. The one unhealthy relationship that I had in my past, or ‘storm’ if you will, left me with scars to last me throughout my lifetime. You don’t have to let those ‘scars’ affect you today, but it’s just a reminder of what you’ve been through. A lot of women in our lifestyle find it very difficult to stay in a monogamous relationship. They have other female friends that they are bonding with, and that emotional connection (again I will refer to) always brings them into a deeper level of their friendship—usually leaving them with an ‘oops night’. What do I mean by an ‘oops night’? Well, if the two are out, having a great time, possibly a few cocktails involved, it may be possible for these two to have a kiss that wasn’t meant to be, or even go further with their intimate moment. One is involved, the other is not, and it makes for a touchy situation, leaving the committed one feeling guilty, and the friend feeling even guiltier. In most cases, the two regret the ‘happenings’ and try to remain friends, but in a lot of circumstances, it is very hard, now that they have come to this level. Women are like elephants (sorry to refer to THAT) – but they are…they never forget. Isn’t it true, we always replay things over and over in our mind, making things seem much larger than they really are? We’re women, we can’t help it! We can all sit around denying what happened and try to be friends, but the truth of the matter is, “we went there”---so now what? What an uncomfortable situation this can be. A lot of times these two will refrain from hanging out ‘as much’---maybe get together at parties, special occasions and other events, but never how they used to spend time together. What’s worse in this case is if only ONE person is feeling awkward about the situation, and the other one—just brushed it off as if nothing happened. Now, the person who brushed it off-- as if nothing happened, will feel the effects of her friend being distant and behaving awkward in front of her. She will definitely pick up on it; leaving the both to feel that same ‘awkwardness.’

Can these two friends try to work their issues out? In my opinion, it’s hard enough to ‘go there’ and bring it up for one, and it’s definitely nothing you want to start up again as well---if you want to save the relationship that you’re in. The other person may still have lingering feelings for you, which you may not want to tap into. Your safe bet (if you are the one in the monogamous relationship) is to wait for your friend to find a partner—and for them to be content and happy in their new relationship. Possibly, things will subside, depending on the two individuals.

Another alarming disadvantage to polygamy is, STDs. I don’t think lesbians think they can get STDs—just because they are not with a man. News flash women!!! Women get STDs just as men do! Think about it, the amount of ‘kissing bandits’ out there is enough to make you wonder what’s brewing under the lesbian community. You have to be just as safe as if you were to have intercourse with a man. Yes, I said it… Heterosexual/homosexual/bi-sexual & transgender, we all have to protect ourselves. No one is left out of this loop. Diseases are not prejudice; they will strike at any given time if-- given the opportunity. You can end up with lifetime-annoying diseases like herpes and gonorrhea, or you can even end up with the most deadly diseases such as HIV and AIDS. If you are in a monogamous relationship, it is extremely unfair if you bring something home that she isn’t anticipating—thinking that you are faithful and having her guard down. It is not only irresponsible, but it is a true sign of disrespect. Just as if you had an STD, you would inform your partner about it—just as well as you would inform your lover that you have multiple partners. They need to be aware so they could take the proper precautions. Honesty and communication go hand-in-hand.

My advice? Either be single or be monogamous, and if you are polygamous—then please be safe.