Tuesday, August 16, 2005

The Emotional Rollercoaster

I think it’s safe to say that we have all experienced emotional individuals that tend to lean more on the issue-problematic side that tend to scare us off a little. Everyone has their own issues and skeletons in their closets, and meds in their drawers, but what I am referring to are the woman who get caught up in the ‘emotional rollercoaster’ of a relationship or friendship. It’s a true fact that women hold much more emotional issues than men do—due to their high levels of estrogen. Some women even carry more of this hormone making them extremely sensitive to matters of the heart. I guess that is why some people think men don’t have feelings---this is not true, it’s the way they handle their issues. Men work and think very differently thank women do because of their hormonal differences- just grab a cold beer and tune her out! (Sounds much better the way men can handle certain situations, huh?)

There are women out there that have more testosterone levels in their system making them less emotional due to the lack of estrogen—also leaving them to possibly have hair on their chest or a few whiskers on their chin…hmm... It depends on each individual. In my lifetime I have come across women who basically frightened me with their up and down moods. I have encountered manic depressives, bi-polar to even extreme cases of emotional problems. Sometimes it can be very frightening when it comes to an argument. I came to a point where I had to be insensitive to my ex-girlfriend’s manipulating ways of trying to get me to understand her. She would not hear my side of how I felt; the only thing that was important was the way she felt. She felt that her feelings were more valid than mine due to her crying episodes---and the lack of emotional signs on my end. (Grabbing a beer and tuning her out…) Believe me, I am very emotional and I have feelings, but in the midst of arguing with my partner, I try to be more reasonable and resolve what the conflict is. (By grabbing a beer and tuning her out.) My downfall is my temper. I tend to get so frustrated that I will say hurtful things in order to shut the other person up from her tantrums. I may even throw a few things around, (but never my beer) however, I never physically abused my ex or my current partner.

One of the biggest signs to look for emotional unstableness is when someone is crying to you about something that she truly feels deeply about, and then the next minute she is laughing, giggling and all happy out of the blue. Sudden mood changes can be alarming if the other person doesn’t know what’s going on. Being educated on how people behave and different emotional disorders is a *must* when dating other women. Two women being together as an intimate relationship can be a huge emotional rollercoaster. Usually one is more emotional than the other, and the other distances themselves from her partner appearing as if they were ‘cold’ or ‘insensitive’. This may leave the other person in a depression thinking they are going to lose their partner.

It’s ironic that many lesbians use the word ‘drama’. Of course that word is going to be the word of the community. Why wouldn’t it be? There is tons of drama in the lesbian community due to emotional issues. Straight people have ‘drama’ as well---don’t get me wrong, but think about two women being together in an intimate relationship—all those feelings; love, depression, jealousy, resentment, lack of trust and past issues all rise up to the surface and bubble up so that their partner can now see the ‘true identity’ of their partner. Now the question is, now that you have seen this side of your partner, do you continue to pursue a long-term relationship with her; or do you try and resolve whatever problems arise? What if two women in the relationship are similar; both having emotional break down one after the other? Time to call the guys with the white coats! This makes for an unhealthy relationship (and lots of medication!) Is it safe to say that these two women will have more problems in the future if they don’t seek professional help together? Professional psychotherapy alone is a good idea as well if you are dealing with emotional issues or if just your partner is overemotional. Regardless, professional help is needed in these types of circumstances.

There was a time when I was trying to go to sleep, and my ex-girlfriend was lying down next to me. We didn’t fight that evening nor did we argue or disagree about anything. I went to sleep without knowing anything was bothering her. An hour or so later, I hear her sniffling. “Oh Lord!” I thought to myself. She was lying down next to me crying hysterically. I honestly didn’t know how to handle this. I rubbed her shoulder and asked her what was wrong and she basically nudged me off and said, “Nothing! Nothing’s wrong! Don’t even bother!”
At this point, after a few of these episodes, I was a bit perturbed and I wasn’t feeling any sympathy over this due to her lashing out at me. I rolled over and went to sleep--or tried to. The next morning she had a puss on her face, smoking one cigarette after the other, and being extremely silent with me. I made coffee and told her to sit outside with me to have breakfast so we could talk. We sat their in complete silence on this beautiful Sunday morning. I tried talking to her, but the only thing I got out of her was ‘one worded responses.’ I finally gave up and ignored her. I would have grabbed a beer, but it was too early… Her communication had a lot to be desired at this point, and I withdrew from her. I kept myself distant because I couldn’t handle her unstable personality.

Was it me that she was unhappy with? Did I do something to hurt her? Was I being insensitive to an issue that she was dealing with? Did she think I was flirting with someone? What was the problem? I had all these questions in my mind leaving me to be very insecure about my relationship and how ‘stable’ she and I were. I was scared so I pushed her away and didn’t talk to her for one week. Yes, this is another unhealthy way to deal with issues in a relationship, but I was hurt because I felt insecure of her love at this point. I honestly felt she did not love me and that she resented the fact that she was ‘stuck’ with me. In my heart, I could only imagine what was bothering her, what was going on in her head, why we were so bad at communicating.

We spoke a few days later and she told me that she was very upset due to the fact that her cat was sick. She had been stressing over her cat for a bit because she brought her to the vet and they told her that her cat needed to be on medication and that she was getting a bit old—so it was a big concern. Having not known this on my end, I felt a bit angry that she couldn’t tell me this herself. Why was it so hard to tell me, “Hey, I’m really stressing over my cat being sick and it hurts me to see her like that…?” Why couldn’t she come to me as if I was her best friend? She no longer considered me her ‘best friend’ anymore; she now considered me her partner who was only good for intimacy and sexual encounters. I wasn’t good enough to talk to as a friend (in my mind at that time) This hurt me terribly because now not only have I lost my best friend, but I felt as though I was losing her totally. Of course there were a lot of other hidden issues that were underlying why she wasn’t able to communicate with me, but the emotional unstableness of the way she handled things hurt me deeply. I was the blame for everything in her eyes. I was the one who ‘hurt her’ in her eyes. I was the bad ‘guy’ of course.

I wonder how many stories have been told that I was the seed that went bad in the relationship. Everyone has their own side to their stories of course, but sometimes it’s sad to see when someone you truly loved and cared for hurts you deeply like that; doesn’t want to communicate with you any longer on a friendship level—which is essential in any intimate relationship. Trust and communication had been thrown out the door and anger and resentment had taken its place. It was time to make a decision at that point. Sadly enough, I had to end it with her, and end our friendship as well during that time. This hurt me, as well as her. I tried communicating with her months after the relationship had ended to see if a friendship could still be mended, but she chose not to ever talk to me again, leaving me to now think that we’ll never cross paths again and say, “Hello” civilly. I always forgave her, but it was difficult to forget some things I must admit. I was willing to take her back into my life as a friend and work on things—but I know that would have been a bad idea. I didn’t want to go around the same mountain again facing the same problems as we did before.

When emotions get stored up in your heart and you let it fester, not only will it come pouring out, but it will pour out on your loved one leaving them hurt and feeling insecure about the relationship with you. It’s scary when one party of the relationship doesn’t have a clue what is going on with their partner emotionally. You can try to help all you want; try to be the most understanding person, but the truth is-- they have to work it out on their own. It may have nothing to do with you. It has everything to do with how they are feeling and it is up to them whether they choose to share what’s bothering them, it’s their decision to communicate with you. Or you can just throw them into a mental institution! I sometimes tried to force her to talk to me; to explain her feelings of depression and tried to help her. I’m not a professional psychiatrist; I only have my own opinions, so in reality, I wouldn’t have been a great source of help. She finally did get help, but at this point it was too late. Our relationship had ended, and we both went our separate ways. Till this day, I still pray for her and wish her well.