Monday, July 25, 2005

My Apology

It’s 11pm, Sunday evening and every part of my body hurts. I didn’t even do anything strenuous to even give my pain a poor excuse. My thoughts are racing a million miles per second and my heart feels like it’s going to pop out of my chest.
I woke up at 6am with a severe chest pain. I got nervous; I thought I was having a heart attack. I woke my partner up out of a deep slumber. She must have heard me jump up and gasp.

“What’s wrong? What’s wrong?” she asked with her eyes all squinted; barely seeing me being that she is legally blind without her contacts or glasses. “I just had a chest pain….that’s all.” I kept holding my chest, but the weird thing was, my head was hurting too. I felt numb. I was scared—maybe because I knew what was wrong with me. Tears started falling and I started crying. My partner looked so baffled, poor thing---I felt bad that I was putting her in this situation of my insane drama. I started ranting and raving about everything else, except what was really wrong.

The night before, I read an e-mail from a friend of mine. Let me retract….I read an e-mail from an ex lover of mine who I had a hard time getting over. We’re friends now. She wrote me a long e-mail about her problems. She was opening up to me and ‘venting’…After I read the e-mail, I wrote a very blunt response back to the issues she was dealing with. I was insensitive, and wasn’t being a very good friend to her. I guess the e-mail I wrote back to her had an affect on me while I was sleeping.

What a hypocrite I am! I tell my friend/ex to come to me if she ever has a problem or needs to talk. I tell her, “I’m here for you…” Yeah, here to make you feel like total shit because I’m the one feeling bad. I’ve always had a way with words…a bad way with them. I could easily lift someone’s spirits, and I can easily tear them down with the same tongue. Maybe I should name all my different personalities.

Do people really mean what they say? When you tell someone, call me anytime---do you really mean it? When you console someone and let them know it’s okay----is it “okay”?

Sometimes I do lie and tell people what they want to hear; out of fear of hurting them. I sometimes even hide my true feelings in order to make other people’s lives more easy to cope with. What about my own life? Ah, don’t worry about me. My dose of ativan and over indulgence in the art of drinking has that covered. God forbid I should feel anxiety or be a bit down about something. It’s life, right? If we all said how we felt, maybe someone would feel horrible or guilty; maybe you would destroy that person’s world. I have had anxiety attacks ever since I was sixteen years old. It has been challenging for me through the years, but I feel like it's going to catch up with me and give me a heart attack one of these days. They always say, "Oh an anxiety attack will never kill you." Hmmm....

Anyway, I apologized to my friend. I realized how out of line I was to judge her life and to make her feel out of place coming to me for help—as a friend of course. Like I can judge anyone else’s life!

I hope she really accepts my apology. I’m off to go to sleep.........

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