Sunday, July 31, 2005

The Dating Pool

I always thought finding the right partner was similar to buying a new car. I wanted the model to be just right, it had to have style, character, class and most of all speed for excitement. I wanted the interior to be understanding of my need of comfort and support. I needed the interior to have a lot of room; possibly for all the baggage that I may bring into it. The headlights (the eyes of the car) had to sparkle; had to give the car a personality of its own and had to shine above anyone else. The back end had to be cute, but enough trunk space to really make it stand out above the rest. My car had to turn heads, had to make people think, “Wow, how did she get into that car!” What if I couldn’t afford the ‘perfect car’? Would I have to settle for less? Would I have to resort to finding an economical ‘cute’ car? The constant struggle of finding Miss Right lies in the hands of God. I do believe that we have more than one soul mate. There are plenty of ‘perfect’ mates out there—so why is it so hard finding her? Do we need someone to set us up on dates? Those people that set us up on dates are ‘car salesmen’ if you really think about the analogy I have given above. They think that their friend or ‘their car for sale’ is the best one out there. This is perfect for you!—but is it? (Is she?) Does it suit my needs? Will it carry my baggage? Will it hug all my curves-- regardless of how narrow or wide my curves are. Will it break down on me? Will I have to pick up the pieces or go out and find yet another car? Will I have to spend tons of money and end up broke?

We look for specific characteristics in people when we are hunting for the right mate. Did you ever hear someone say when they are dating more than one person, “She’s gorgeous, but only if she only had the personality of that girl—she’d be perfect?” Some people date more than one person to get all of their needs met. One girl has a great personality, you love going out with them, and they’re a social butterfly and loves to be around people. This mate has the ability to talk to people, she is very attractive and you’re proud to have her by your side. The other girl is an introvert. She doesn’t like going out too much and is a bit of a homebody. She is very deep, loving and caring and you can open up to her and talk about anything. She is more domesticated, and you can really see yourself ‘settling down’ with her. Then you have the other girl for that sexual excitement; the passionate relationship that is full of lust. The only problem with this girl is, after your sexual encounter, the thought of her in your bed in the a.m. hours is horrifying! When you see this person, you’re automatically turned on and on ‘ready mode’. You get an instant shock in your genitals, and then up to your lower stomach that rises up to your heart and makes it palpitate. This is called lust. Lust can be easily confused for love. The chemical reaction you get with lust is simple. You feel lust when you only feel sexual around that person. You can hardly speak because you are so aroused. When you are ‘in love’ with a person, you get another source of excitement which is similar, but your heart pitter-patters before your genitals do. Of course you may get aroused with the person you are in love with, but you actually want to see their face in the morning. There’s a big difference there. Time goes by so quickly with this person because you cannot get enough of her.

Now, the question here is, how do you get all these wonderful traits in one person? Newsflash—you don’t! If you want the perfect person, you will skip from date to date trying to seek the exact qualifications that your heart is seeking. When you are ninety-five years old & gray and still searching, you’ll find that you did something wrong down the line. Finding love depends on you. It depends on how accepting we are, how conditional our love is and how we can make our time incredible with them. If you think that the person you are dating is boring, you may want to look at yourself first. The first step is remembering that each and every individual is so different from one another; much like a snowflake. Remember, everyone has a past that created who they are today. Their life experiences, their ex-lovers and past family history all come into play when they get into a relationship. A lot of people let their past affect how they behave in a relationship. One person may have had many people in their lives leave them, for whatever reason—break ups, divorces, relocating and even deaths. In their minds, everyone ‘abandons’ them. It happened once, so why won’t it happen again?—is the way they think. Fear of abandonment issues trickles into major insecurity issues as well. They feel unworthy enough for you to stay in their lives. It can become so bad that they end up severely depressed and unable to maintain a healthy relationship with anyone. Another negative emotion that tags along with this ‘wonderful fear’ is jealousy. Anyone who flirts with the idea of possibly taking their mate away from them is going to pay serious consequences… Either they get upset with the person who initiated the flirting, or they take it out on their partner. This leads into many arguments and may result in a break up—which then results in abandonment in that person’s mind.

Insecurity is such a panicky feeling. The thought of constantly wondering when and if their mate is going to leave them can reek havoc on one’s mind. This even goes back to primitive times when the men would guard their wives by hugging them (well actually holding them like prisoners so that no one would go near her.) This is a form of letting others know their territory. The same holds true for when you see a couple out in a public place and one mate is constantly putting their arm around the other, or they are constantly displaying their love in public—this is an act of insecurity in some aspects because it shows other people that this person belongs to you. When someone is too controlling in a relationship, it usually means it’s a sign of insecurity. If they lose all sense of feeling ‘in control’ they may become more distant, or even leave you before the possibility of you leaving them. It’s almost like a game—who can leave who faster. The other person may not even realize that this is a one-sided game that their partner is playing. These people have been left so many times by others in the past that they don’t separate you from anyone else. Whatever you say is almost 98% doubted in their mind. How can they truly believe that you’ll stay when no one else has? Having lost so many people in their lives, their self-esteem becomes extremely low, making it difficult for them to accept themselves; therefore having difficulty accepting you. If someone is truly unhappy with themselves, how can they make anyone else happy? If someone does not love themselves enough, how can they love anyone else? They only rely on other people for their happiness. A majority of women focus on other people to be accountable for their happiness in life. They blame other people and ex-mates for why they are so miserable. If you are not happy in your relationship, do you really think that your partner is? The biggest problem that most couples face is communicating. There are many reasons why this happens. Sometimes a partner feels as if they address a certain topic to their lover, then they risk losing this person and possibly having them break up with them. This all comes down to trust. Do we trust our partners 100%? Does anyone trust their partners 100%? Relationships are much like investing in stocks. Taking chances is how a lot of people end up successful. If we never took a chance on love, how would we find happiness? Sometimes we lose out and sometimes we win big. If we don’t invest, we will never know. We can sit around and become stagnant in what we have at the present time. Love is not a feeling, but a choice. Love comes in many forms. We choose to love a certain person; the same as we choose what stock to invest in. Of course we want the best one so we can be ‘successful’, but sometimes that doesn’t happen. That’s why it’s called ‘high risk’. Our hearts are fragile and sometimes very well guarded. Sometimes our hearts are so guarded; we build a huge wall so that no one can possibly get through or penetrate it. When we let people in our ‘wall’ that we built so highly, we are leaving ourselves to be vulnerable. What a scary word! Vulnerability is frightening to a lot of people. The word alone gives me anxiety. When you become vulnerable to the person you choose to love, you are opening yourself up to them, letting them see the true you, letting them see everything that makes up ‘you’. The big fear here is getting hurt again. “Oh God I can’t go through that again!” Keep in mind this is a different person with different characteristics, different personality traits, a different background and a different heart. If you go into a relationship with that mindset, it will affect your true personality and the way you open up to this person. You’ll appear as ‘distant’ to them and emotionally unavailable due to your fear of being vulnerable. This can actually make the other person who is with you feeling as though you are not truly interested in having a relationship with them. They begin to doubt your feelings for them. Being ‘open’ and being vulnerable means that you are letting this person inside. You are letting this person feel special enough to get the chance of knowing who you truly are. The sooner you let this person in, the sooner you will see just how wonderful this road can seem. Most likely, the other person will start to trust you due to your openness, therefore opening up to you which enable great communication in a relationship.

You want to have the three following things with your partner: a best friend, a loving relationship, family all in one. Each relationship has a foundation. The foundation should be your ‘friendship’ with your partner. Just as you would buy a house, you would want the foundation to be made before building your house. If you have no foundation, your house will not be stable. After your foundation has been built (friendship) then you work your way into the love department which can be the living room of your home. You want to feel secure, safe and warm. You want to display love, trust and honesty. Relationships are complicated; there are many rooms in the house where you can create new and exciting ideas for your relationship to work well. There are also some rooms people create that store all their ‘junk’ so to speak. This room holds the things that you are not sure you want to get rid of. Things from your past, things you truly don’t need and things that don’t work anymore that you’re thinking about getting fixed. This is the ‘issue room’. We all have our own little issue room whether we admit to it or not. It’s best when you just get in there and start cleaning. You might find some things you didn’t know you had in there. Once your issue room is clean, you can begin to feel better and possibly make it a room for something productive, like an office or a big walk in closet. Have your partner help you clean out your ‘issue room’-- it may be very revealing, but very therapeutic and helpful to your relationship. Your partner should be the one you go to for advice, companionship and someone you can talk to without any reservation. To have an open communication with your partner is a very intimate thing. Telling her your most inner thoughts, your desires, your dreams and your fantasies can be quite the aphrodisiac! The more you communicate with words, feelings, thoughts and inner spirituality, the more you connect on a physical nature as well. Communicating and physical intimacy goes hand-in-hand. Communicating in the bedroom is another great source for great sex. Think about it, if you don’t communicate while sharing intimate moments, how will you know what your partner wants? How do you expect your partner to know what you want? Communicate…