Sunday, July 31, 2005

Conversation No-Nos

Dating is hard enough when you are living a homosexual lifestyle. There are so many various types of people out there and so many people who do not fit what you may be seeking. Even e-mailing a few people for potential dating purposes can be extremely exhausting. Going over and over about your life and what you’re looking for may feel redundant and down right boring. You start getting sick of your own stories and background. There’s only so much to talk about when meeting someone sometimes. Most of it depends on what their values and beliefs may be. I have come across many conversations that led into a debate due to my religious and political views.

I’m sure you have heard time and time again about never to bring up religion or politics when engaging in conversation. I have a different point of view regarding this. Bringing up your beliefs is actually a way of opening up your heart to someone. Don’t come off as if your belief is better than someone else’s. The key word here is ‘sharing’ and opening up to that person as far as your religious and political views. I feel that religion and politics are very important to talk about considering that this may be a potential partner. Are we so afraid to express how we feel regarding our spiritual beliefs and political views that we are willing to shove them in a box until the right time? Better to discuss it now than later. The one thing that I have observed while being shuffled around in the dating pool are topics regarding their past loves. Talking about your ex is like talking about the most uncomfortable topic you can imagine. When someone constantly refers back to their ex lover, it’s usually a red flag that they are still living in the past and not recovering from a past relationship. They can instantly show you how much they can complain or how much they can display their lingering feelings for their past love. Big hint here- if they start ‘ex-bashing’, this usually indicates that the issue lies in the hands of the one who is bitching and moaning. They will deliberately make out their ex to be the bad guy and have you thinking that they were hurt deeply and done wrong.

Side effects include playing a small violin and possibly holding a pity party; ask your doctor for advice.

In some cases it may be true; however it’s best when things are just kept within. For me, when someone speaks negatively about their ex-lover, I immediately think, “Hmm, if I were to date her, and we broke it off, would she go and bad mouth me like she’s doing about this other girl?” That would be my thought…Think about it, even when someone gossips way too much about other people, do you think you’re excluded from this gossip fest? Of course not—once your back is turned, you become the big ‘talk du jour’. I don’t trust people who talk way too much about their ex or who talk negatively about their ex or other people. It shows a lack of integrity and character. Of course we can dabble in the past—but at the right time. Never get into the ‘ex-files’ upon first meeting. Give me a political debate any day!

First time meetings and first dates are like a game. We have to be careful and play our cards right. We have to watch our words very carefully and comb out any flaky topics that may lose their interest. Remember that people love to talk about themselves. I love to talk about myself! You love to talk about yourself---but the trick here is, listening and making it ‘all about them’. Is seems so bazaar that talking about your past and sharing of yourself has become such a faux-pas these days. I guess the right thing to do is to answer any questions asked—and not to volunteer any unnecessary details that weren’t requested. I usually like to ask about their lives, where they live, where they used to live, why they moved (if they relocated) and if they’re close with their family. Usually this question can reveal a lot about the person and who they are today. I have a rule of thumb for a certain answer. If she goes on bad mouthing her parents – especially her mother, it’s a huge sign of how she will treat you in the future. All mothers say, “If he/she doesn’t treat his/her mother right, they won’t treat you right.” I think this was a selfish remark on all mothers’ part…but a cute tactic to only go for who your mother likes. Oddly enough, there is much truth to that statement. This can be debatable, but this is what I personally go by. If it goes too deep into personal areas such as abuse, family problems and/or resentments upon first hearing about ‘the family’, the emotional status of this girl that is across the table from me may be a bit too much before the appetizer comes. You can read a lot into things, but these are things I look out for.

Let’s talk about eye contact. That is a huge thing for me. Engaging in eye-contact ‘to me’ is being truthful and letting the other person look into your soul. No, I’m not getting ‘deep’ here; I’m just stating that it is a very awkward thing to look someone ‘in the eye’ the whole time while talking if you are being even slightly untruthful. If you are lying about something, chances are you will not look the person directly in the eye due to lack of truth----and looking away means that you are not letting the other person see what’s behind those lying pupils of yours. Again, this can be debatable and sought out as ‘nervousness’. Okay, fine…say the person is too nervous to look you in the eye; awkward period! If someone appears way too nervous, this can send a negative message meaning that they are not comfortable in their own skin; they lack self-confidence which is a turn off by any means. I look for fidgeting, constant smoking (which to me is a turn off right there) constant sipping of their cocktail or beverage, tapping their fingers on the table and shaking of their leg in a nervous manner. Another thing they may do is twirl their hair. (Providing they have enough to twirl with)

This to me is an indication that they are very interested in you. Twirling of the hair is a display of a ‘good type’ of nervousness. Body language is a huge source of communicating. We just have to be aware of what one behavior may mean from another. It’s important to notice these things especially when someone is talking about a specific topic.

Okay, now on to sex. Sex is a great conversation piece, anyone will agree with you on that. The only bad time to talk about this is on your first date. I don’t care how open-minded your date may seem or how provocative they may come across—the fact remains—no sex talk! I cannot emphasize this enough. Leave that to be settled in one’s imagination alone. If your date indicates to you that her ‘past loves never had anything to complain about’---or insinuates that she is a great lover, this may be a sign that she is absolutely a sack of potatoes in bed. She definitely wouldn’t make it as one of those ‘marks’ on my bed post, that’s for sure. Bragging about sex and how good you are is like death to that date. Are we so desperate that we need to advertise that we are good in bed? Think about it, isn’t that up to the two parties involved? What one may think is ‘good sex’-- the other may think is awful. It all depends on what each individual likes. I had the pleasure of going on a date and hearing about their sexual adventures. Oh boy, this was an enlightening experience for me. I sipped a lot of wine that evening in order to just remain as if I was still paying attention. This happened to be a new friend I made online who was at my house sharing a bottle of wine and conversation. Do I really want to hear all of this? Do I want to know what your shaving preferences are? Do I need to know how long you enjoy foreplay? This to me is “TMI” (Too Much Information)
You probably heard that expression before, well this applies here. Anyone who discusses sexual explicit detailed events is most likely already tearing your clothes off with their eyes. If they are talking about sex, in most cases, they are hinting to you about ‘what they like’ in bed, and that you may be a potential lover. Now the other party hearing all of this spewing out of their wine flavored mouth may think, “Hmm, this sounds like a lot of work, this sounds as if she is too picky about how sex should be conducted, I’m too scared to ‘go there’…” So the person who is elaborating on what they like regarding sex is actually lowering their chances for a little night cap later on. Stop with the sex talk people! Being tactful, discreet and leaving one for the imagination is such a sexy quality in someone. It shows absolute class.

Let’s talk about careers. I realize that people sometimes emphasize a lot on job status. The big question when you meet someone for the first time and don’t know what to bring up as far as a conversational piece is, “So what do you do?” That seems to be the most famous question when meeting anyone. Not many people would think this, but that can be a touchy topic for some. If you’re meeting someone who is in between jobs, they may feel uncomfortable telling you about their unfortunate situation depending on how they are coping with it. Some people think that their job is not a ‘high profile’ one, so they simply get embarrassed by their place of employment. Other people may have a job that is so high profiled that they are ashamed or hesitant to discuss it due to the fact that you may judge them for being ‘a snob’ or coming across as “I’m better than you”….. It depends on how people handle that question and how they feel about their own situation. For me, I simply do not ask what they do for a living to avoid any uneasiness. I avoid that topic like the plague due to some responses I have received in the past.